The path

For the past 10+ years, I've had a hard time figuring out if I want to stay at my current weight/not worry about changing anything, or to try and lose some weight. This is mostly in light of my discovery of the Fat Acceptance movement back in the late 90's, and especially after having started this blog to be part of it. Before my discovery of the movement, I was swept up in the usual hysteria about having to lose weight and become a mainstream size, no questions asked. Right before I started this blog, my sister passed away from a massive heart attack related to diabetes and heart disease. My sister's death shocked and changed my world completely, of course, for many reasons. It also put a new spin on the question of whether to lose weight or not.

My sister, let's call her Cowgirl Alice, was always zaftig as were my other sister and I. When I was growing up, I never thought of Alice as different than myself in terms of weight or eating. She was, however and unfortunately, plagued by health problems - and weird ones at that - from the very start of her life. I suppose it stands to reason (in some fucked up universe) that she ended up with diabetes and severe hypothyroidism by my current age while my blood continues to test fine on at least an annual basis. Before her death, I didn't really think about health too much... losing weight was more a means to fit into Jordache jeans (age 10) or land the husband of my choosing (age 30). Since her death I'm, perhaps rightfully, a little paranoid. I get an annual physical with comprehensive bloodwork every year, and I have no qualms with asking the doctor to send me with a lab slip in between annuals if I feel it's needed. Yoga Trainer infamously asked me "if I wanted to die like my sister did", and no, I do not. But, I also don't want to walk through life being obsessed with needing to lose weight lest I die an untimely death, consumed with shame and guilt when and if I don't make the appropriate effort to lose weight, or consumed with making a succeeding effort if I do. (Nice to meet you... my name is Perfectionist!)

Lately I've been reflecting on my path over the past few years, mostly because I started working with a new personal trainer recently and I'm trying to work through the emotional scars leftover from Yoga Trainer. When I started to work with Yoga Trainer in November 2007, it was because I wanted toned arms and abs to go with my wedding dress, and also because I was at the height of paranoia about possible health problems a la Cowgirl Alice. Two years later, I still hadn't really lost much or any weight and I wasn't much more toned either... a matter on which Yoga Trainer always vacillated between brittle old school yoga master punishment and mellow new age yoga master encouragement, the former eventually winning out and driving me away. Whenever he'd question me along the way as to why I wasn't fully committed to losing weight I'd tell him, "I'm really conflicted because I consider myself part of the Fat Acceptance community." His reply: a blank stare, followed by a demand to get into Warrior pose ASAP while I contemplate why I was letting that get in the way of my personal goal. The irony is that I never really had a personal goal to begin with because I always felt so conflicted.

Exit Yoga Trainer and enter Boxy Lady. I chose Boxy Lady specifically because she learned about training people of size from one Cinder Ernst and because she's a member of NAAFA. I also chose Boxy Lady because she's a boxer and that's kick ass! When I was interviewing potential new trainers (believe me, I wasn't going to go down the Yoga Trainer road again), Boxy Lady almost told me she wouldn't train me because one of my goals was to lose weight. When I clarified that I wanted to lose some weight, not half my body size, she breathed a sigh of relief and we were in business. I love working with her because she's not afraid to make me work (I'm looking at you, YMCA trainer who was afraid of making this fattie have a heart attack from doing crunches), and while she's tough she never talks down to me and never puts her own words in my mouth or her own goals in my head (suck on that, Yoga Trainer).

Something happened in the past week. Firstly, I started reading Two Whole Cakes (formerly Fatshionista) on a daily basis. As you'll see by the latest entry as of this posting date, blogger Lesley is a proponent that each person is the "undisputed expert" on his or her own body and that she is "in favor of people finding happiness and fulfillment by whatever path they choose". Thank you for that, Lesley. It's kinda what I needed to hear to move forward and not feel so conflicted. Lesley goes on in that sentence to say, "so long as they support the rights of others to make their own decisions and don’t prescribe behaviors." I believe this also. It's why I believe I will always support Fat Acceptance no matter where my own path takes me.

The other thing that happened was a conversation with my long-lost coworker and sister zaftig chick, Janie. Janie told me she'd been struggling for awhile with a raging sugar addiction and compulsive overeating, to the point that she joined Overeaters Anonymous and hired a personal trainer for three days a week. Her doctor had told her she was on the verge on becoming diabetic, which is what spurred her action plan. Please let it be known that Janie is a self described radical: feminist, activist, and lots of other -ists too. I never, in my wildest dreams, would have thought I'd hear from her lips that she belongs to a 12-step program and is radically trying to lose weight. Not only did our conversation challenge all I knew to be true about Janie, it challenged my own assumptions about what might be considered politically correct in the world of weight loss.

Janie's story also struck me on a really personal level. I feel like my eating has gotten off the hook lately (along with a lackadaisical attitude about needing to do any exercise between weekly training sessions, ahem). I plan to eat and purchase great and healthy food at the grocery store each week, and then it gets pushed aside in favor of super processed, super salty fare in super quantities. Not everyday of course, but most days, and I realize I'd reached the tipping point. When all my favorite clothes start to feel tight, that changes things. When I no longer feel good about myself, or the way I'm eating, that changes things. I just didn't quite know how to get out of that mode and back into healthful eating. Hearing Janie talk about her own struggles thankfully shocked my system enough to make a couple changes that are so far going well. More about that in a future posting.

Of course, the ever-conflicted part of me is compelled to say (or re-state) a couple things at this point. For starters, I really do believe that each person has the right to make choices for her or his own body. Given that I have a familial risk factor for diabetes and heart disease (Alice), a familial risk factor for high blood pressure and "bad" cholestorol (Dad), and a burning desire to do things like snowboard and surf, it just feels like it's time to lose a little weight. If you're reading this, and especially if you're also zaftig, please don't take this as a sign that I've sold out or that I'm hoping to become skinny-minny. Also, don't feel that this will become a weight loss blog. That's the last thing I want my blog to become. I've always chosen to be honest when writing and I'll be that same way if and when I lose weight and want to talk about it. If anything, the politics of losing weight is far more important and interesting for me to talk about than trumpeting about my own possible losses.

As for those possible losses, who knows if they will happen. I feel like I've hit the reset button several times over the past few years (another reason I've been reflecting) and have not really gained much ground. I do think I've gained perspective, though, and that's very important to me and my life. While my path lay ahead of me, I don't quite know what's coming next and that's pretty scary. I'm trying not to be afraid of or motivated by failing while simultaneously not being afraid of or motivated by succeeding, and that's a weird place to be. Talk about political.