Call it wishful thinking, or call it bizarre, but I have a Skinni-Me. (Get it? Mini-Me... Skinni-Me...) She's my friend Ivy's friend who used to live in San Francisco but moved away a few years ago. Once, when she did live in town, we swapped her bass guitar for my sewing machine when we were taking, respectively, bass lessons and a sewing class. That was the day I realized she was my Skinni-Me.
Not unlike myself, she's somewhat hard to get along with, has had bottle-red hair since high school, and a penchant for vintage/retro stuff. She had already painted her bedroom a lovely baby blue when I was still trying to decide which exact shade of baby blue I wanted for my room. We're both natural-born writers (lucky for her, she's used that to her immense financial and personal gain), and like dressing ourselves in a kicky unique style. Not to mention, we were born within a few days of eachother and are both the very essence of Aries.
What sets us apart is that we are polar opposites on the weight scale. She probably weighs 110 lbs max, whereas I... ok, I'm not going there but suffice to say it's quite a bit more. The weird thing is that I literally think I would look like her if I were 110 lbs. She's got a pointy ski-jump nose, rosy cheeks and green eyes. And I'm pretty sure if she gained weight, it would go to her boobs first and her face last.
Ivy got married this weekend and so I saw Skinni-Me for the first time in a few years. To tell you the truth, I kinda forgot about Skinni-Me until I saw her setting up chairs for the ceremony. I thought, "Who's that girl wearing the excellent robin's egg blue overcoat with some manner of excellent stripey dress underneath, and why does she have my exact same haircut and color??" And then it all came flooding back to me... oh my gosh, Skinni-Me!
I actually gasped when she took her coat off at the reception. That stripey dress was really cool. Sure, she gave me the "this old thing?" response when I complemented her on it, but that's typical Skinni-Me. Not only was it whimsically colorful... it was asymmetrical, and tied over one shoulder. The ties were long enough to form a pretty bow and still have a lengthy drape down the back of the dress. Except that they don't make stuff like that for fat girls, that dress could not have been any more Me.
Staring down the barrel of my Skinni-Me is different now than it was before. In the beginning, it was a severely lacking self-esteem with a dash of girl-crush attraction and several heaping spoonfuls of jealousy. She wasn't just someone who looked like a thin version of me... she was me, having taken a different and more successful path in life. She was me, fully realized.
Several years later, I still lack self esteem, especially where my body is concerned, and often kick myself for not pursuing a more fulfilling career or making time for more of my interests -- but at least I'm solidly living in my own imperfect body and mind. Moreso I'm just baffled at all the things we have in common, rather than clinging on to those similarities for dear life.
I'll probably never see Skinni-Me again, and that's ok with me. I'm going to be tragically unhip, very un-Skinni-Me, and say: You go, girl!
16 October 2006
03 October 2006
A Letter to Carnie Wilson
Dearest Carnie,
I remember your interview in People and seeing snippets of other interviews on various TV shows after you got your surgery. What burned a permanent hole in my memory was a portion of the interview when they asked if your husband still would have married you even if you hadn't lost the weight. Your response was something like, "Umm, yeah, I think. I mean, he loves me either way but he prefers me to be thinner. You know, for my health and all." It was sad, Carnie. All that you did during this period of time seemed so desperate. Your struggle was and is no different than pretty much any other fat girl or woman in the US. You long to be seen and loved, and if your life is deprived of that for long enough you'll do pretty much anything to get attention.
Such as... a high profile weight loss surgery that was actually broadcast live on the internet. A high profile slimming down period afterwards. A high profile wedding. A high profile pregnancy and birth. And now, a high profile struggle on Celebrity Fit Club 4 to lose some of the weight you gained back.
Seems you always have to defend yourself and your weight loss surgery. Did you really expect the panel on CFC4 not to bring it up? I never in my life thought I'd say this, but I agreed with them! Dear, you were not 400-500 lbs. and going to die if you didn't get the surgery. You were high 200's and able to lose weight without medical intervention. In fact, all the money you spent on the surgery could've hooked you up with Jackie Warner at Sky and a personal chef to cook you nice low-fat or low-carb meals. Sure, Rosie O'Donnell sided with you on The View in regards to the panel's comments but I'm pretty sure she was just licking your ass in typical Hollywood fashion. You are so lucky you didn't end up as a haiku on her blog.
Speaking of The View, let's address a little something you said about your one year old daughter that frightened the shit out of me. Something to the effect of, "Sometimes she has food all over her face and yet she's still trying to tell me she's hungry, and I think, Oh my gosh! Should I not feed her so she won't end up like me?" Do you realize this isn't healthy? Children are not yet tainted by thoughts of shit like, "I'm not really hungry anymore but I think I'll still eat." They eat until they're full - faces smeared with food or not - and then they stop. Granted, they learn by example and so you need to set a good one for her, but let the child eat what she wants for right now, for fuck's sake!
Ultimately, Carnie, I have compassion for you. Hollywood is not an easy place to reside, and you could've taken much more drastic measures than just getting a couple of surgeries. I know what it's like to want acceptance, and the desperation that can well up from that deep dark place. All I really want to say to you is, Chill the fuck out and get some therapy! You always look like you're about to burst from the seams, and I ain't talking about your body or clothes. Work on your mind instead of your body for a little while, because I'm sure it will be welcome respite. You need it.
Love,
Zaftig Girl
I remember your interview in People and seeing snippets of other interviews on various TV shows after you got your surgery. What burned a permanent hole in my memory was a portion of the interview when they asked if your husband still would have married you even if you hadn't lost the weight. Your response was something like, "Umm, yeah, I think. I mean, he loves me either way but he prefers me to be thinner. You know, for my health and all." It was sad, Carnie. All that you did during this period of time seemed so desperate. Your struggle was and is no different than pretty much any other fat girl or woman in the US. You long to be seen and loved, and if your life is deprived of that for long enough you'll do pretty much anything to get attention.
Such as... a high profile weight loss surgery that was actually broadcast live on the internet. A high profile slimming down period afterwards. A high profile wedding. A high profile pregnancy and birth. And now, a high profile struggle on Celebrity Fit Club 4 to lose some of the weight you gained back.
Seems you always have to defend yourself and your weight loss surgery. Did you really expect the panel on CFC4 not to bring it up? I never in my life thought I'd say this, but I agreed with them! Dear, you were not 400-500 lbs. and going to die if you didn't get the surgery. You were high 200's and able to lose weight without medical intervention. In fact, all the money you spent on the surgery could've hooked you up with Jackie Warner at Sky and a personal chef to cook you nice low-fat or low-carb meals. Sure, Rosie O'Donnell sided with you on The View in regards to the panel's comments but I'm pretty sure she was just licking your ass in typical Hollywood fashion. You are so lucky you didn't end up as a haiku on her blog.
Speaking of The View, let's address a little something you said about your one year old daughter that frightened the shit out of me. Something to the effect of, "Sometimes she has food all over her face and yet she's still trying to tell me she's hungry, and I think, Oh my gosh! Should I not feed her so she won't end up like me?" Do you realize this isn't healthy? Children are not yet tainted by thoughts of shit like, "I'm not really hungry anymore but I think I'll still eat." They eat until they're full - faces smeared with food or not - and then they stop. Granted, they learn by example and so you need to set a good one for her, but let the child eat what she wants for right now, for fuck's sake!
Ultimately, Carnie, I have compassion for you. Hollywood is not an easy place to reside, and you could've taken much more drastic measures than just getting a couple of surgeries. I know what it's like to want acceptance, and the desperation that can well up from that deep dark place. All I really want to say to you is, Chill the fuck out and get some therapy! You always look like you're about to burst from the seams, and I ain't talking about your body or clothes. Work on your mind instead of your body for a little while, because I'm sure it will be welcome respite. You need it.
Love,
Zaftig Girl
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