Undies, Part 1: Keeping the Girls Hoisted

Pretty much since the moment I turned 12, I've been on the Great Bra Hunt. There was a period in the mid to late 90's when I found a bra that fit correctly, and made the girls a nice shape, and wasn't butt ugly, and didn't break the bank. Size 38D comes to mind. Everything upwards of that has been all about finding a bra that is the lesser of the evils, a bra that will "do".

Truth be told, I wore two bras at once for a few years. Soft cup over underwire, because neither of them did the job alone. I was painfully embarassed by the situation. At one point, I was taking an aerobics class twice weekly, and would change my top in the restroom stall instead of at my locker. I mean, who wears two bras at once and actually admits it?!

One day I ended up at Norstroms because they have all the expensive fancy bras that supposedly fit and look better. There wasn't really money in my bank account for expensive bras, but I was desperate. I picked a few out and took them to the dressing room, praying for a good outcome. (This was pretty standard for the two-bra era. No matter what store I was in, I would pick out some bras that looked great on the hanger and I would absolutely pray they would fit - but they never did.) Nordstroms had a bra fitter that basically forced herself into my dressing room with measuring tape in hand after I tried on all the bras and told her they didn't fit. She looked at my choices and said, "If these didn't fit you, you've got a big problem. You must see my friend Carole in San Mateo." She wrote down Carole's number and the store name, which I found in the phone book when I got home... a 1/4-page ad that stated they had professional fitters, a huge selection, and specialized in odd bra sizes.

I hauled my cookies to San Mateo the next weekend and saw Carole. She measured me and determined that I needed a 40F. Every single 40F in that store looked like shit to begin with... stark white with scratchy unattractive polyester "lace" sewn over the solid polyester skeleton. They looked far worse on my apparently odd frame and torso... droopy cups, band too loose, no support, you name it. Carole was stumped and when you stump a professional bra-fitter - you are really in a pickle. She asked what I'd been doing thus far for a bra and I grugingly admitted my two-bra secret. She said, "Well if that's what works for you, then go with it!"

I confessed my secret to a few friends shortly after. One of them, Hilary, said, "Um, do you like them so high up on your chest like that, so supported, so perky?" I inferred from this that maybe it wasn't the best look. It was actually the growing popularity of the thong that got me back to wearing just one bra at a time. I'd had a crappy experience with the whole thong thing and asked my friend Shasta, who had made the thong conversion, how she'd done so. "You just gotta get used to it," she said. It didn't work for the thong, so instead I took this bit of advice to heart where my double-bra situation was concerned. I decided that if people can not only get used to, but actually prefer, having a strap or a string in their buttcracks all day long, I could get used to having my breasts hang a little freer.

The softcup bra gave me major uni-boob so I went with the underwire. Other than the creepy unprotected and unsupported feeling I had for the first month, the main cause for concern was the part of the wire that came up between my boobs. It certainly didn't lay flat against my chest like it's "supposed" to, but it was ok-ish for the first 10 minutes of wearing it. Then my posture would relax, or I'd sit down, or whatever, and the wire would end up sticking out from my body at a 90 degree angle, so much so that it would surpass the horizon line of my boobs. In a fit of rage about this one day, because really I had had just about enough of this bra bullshit, I grabbed the tops of the underwires and bent them violently towards my body. Who knew it would work so well that it'd be a method I still use to this day? It's the advantages of the underwire (structure, shape) combined with the advantages of the softcup (comfort, coverage). I bend at the other end of the underwire, too, if it happens to poke me in the armpit or upper under-arm. Yes, it leaves your bras looking sculpted and slightly mangled, but it works.... it really really works!

I also discovered, quite by accident, that minimizers work better for my particular boobs. Minimizers by nature provide a lot of support since they're made to squash. Currently my favorite bra style is a Lilyette minimizer that I bend the hell out of on the first wearing. The one thing you should never attempt is buying a bigger band or cup size in a minimizer thinking that it will fit like a normal bra by virtue of being bigger/not squashing. No no no, not true. I just threw out two bras that I'd purchased to test this theory... they were a complete joke.

Lane Bryant threw a curveball this fall. I hated their bras up until this current collection. It always seemed like they were going for the stylish thing moreso than the good fit thing. They would do stupid shit like make size 44DD bras with only two rows of hook enclosures (so the band in back was very narrow) or with straps that were a 1/4" wide. I swear the cups were not true, either. I couldn't squeeze my breasts into a DD with a crowbar when I was able to fit every other company's DD just fine. Believe me when I say I've been miffed about this for years. How in the hell could the largest, most visible fat girl clothing chain carry bras that were so ill-fitting??

I get emailed coupons from LB, one of which announced they were expanding their bra selection in both style and size. I didn't believe them until I did the most recent of my twice-annual LB shopping blowouts, after Thanksgiving. I found a DDD in a bra that was surprisingly pretty and had no expectation of it actually fitting correctly or at all. But alas, they must have resized their cups because these F girls fit into the DDD just fine, and the bra was comfortable too. I did the jump test, and they stayed in the cups. So I did it again, but for longer. All good! I didn't even get what my sister calls "bubbles", which is the effect one gets when the top and middle edge of the cup is too tight and boob starts to slowly spill out.

In December, LB had it's Buy 2 Get 2 Free bra sale so I anted up online and bought some of the styles offered in F cup, which they don't sell in store. When I was 21 I had to endure my friends wearing Vicky's Secret plunges that gave them insane cleavage while I settled for my crap bras. So how excited was I to put on the F cup balconette and have my cleavage look like Vicky's Secret plunge cleavage?? Don't get me wrong -- I think VS is heinous for myriad reasons but when you spend as many years on the bra fringes as I have, it's nice to take pause to be normal and average for a moment.

Unfortunately the other styles didn't really work, but I'm more than happy with two new bra styles to wear. Now I understand when the likes of Stacy London and InStyle tell you to choose the appropriate bra for the outfit. The balconette has to be used sparingly because of how padded and cleavage-inducing it is. The other aforementioned LB bra looks really atrocious with certain shirts... not really sure what's up with that. The Lilyette minimizer that I've customized via bending the wires, however, works for everything except plunging necklines.

The one thing LB can do to further redeem itself is offer the bigger bras in all the fun novelty patterns and such. Not sure why it's so impossible for a manufacturer to make a 44F in the fuscia and black polka dotted valentines edition of the balconette when they've already made a 44DD version of it...

Fat suit report on SNL

Did any of you catch Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live last night? (It was a rerun from 12/3/05, with host Dane Cook.) Rachel Dratch did a special guest report in which she dressed in a fat suit and went out in public with secret cameras, a la Tyra.

I loved at the end when she said she was going to put the suit back on and go on a date to Red Lobster with one of the black men who hit on her, because he'd told her he wanted to "get in all her crevices"!