Forgive me, readers, for at this moment I am highly annoyed with a Friend who has lost more than half of her starting weight over the past year and loves to talk about it on Facebook. I've been irritated with her for the past six months actually, as she's started posting about it more and more, culminating in today's crowning (er, crowing) glory about how great her ass looks in the smallest pant size she's ever bought. In theory, at least, I want to be happy for this friend for what seems to have been a big accomplishment in her life, so on and so forth. In reality, I get sozzled every single time I read her posts.
For starters, the last time I checked it was considered a bit gauche to brag. Saying you're proud of yourself for losing weight is one thing and saying how awesome your tush looks in the wee pants you just bought is quite another.
As I'm wont to do, I soul-searched a little about why else this friend's very public updates about her weight loss bug me. As someone who is also striving to lose weight, and purposefully doing so very quietly, it makes me uncomfortable. Moreso, as someone who believes in fat acceptance it pisses me off. When formerly-fat folks are so completely happy about not being "fat" anymore it just feeds into our culture's infinite fat-hating loop.
Let me just state again, this time in much more vague terms, that being happy that you met your goal of losing X amount of pounds is one thing while being happy that you're no longer "fat" - and therefore ugly, not worthy of true love, worthless and all the other things the fat-hating loop tells us is wrong about being fat - is quite another.
(Yes, I know that it didn't sound like my Friend stated or insinuated any of this in her post... it is my personal experiences with her that lay the foundation for this rant.)
This, of course, is a battle for me that will never be won. I can wish and pray and hope and blog and talk all I want about the fat-hating loop needing to change or stop, but it won't. It's infinite and it's powerful. It might even have had roots in the well-meaning at some point, which is a truth and fact that even I, as a fat person, acknowledge: that we need to strive for overall health, both physical or mental.
Sidenote: if you hate yourself for the way you look, your mental health probably needs to be looked at (eg. by a therapist). It's maybe normal, or at least normative in this culture, especially for women, to hate the way you look sometimes or for certain periods of your life... but to hate yourself for what you are? Or in the case of those who have lost weight - hate yourself for what you were? It might be normal but in my opinion, no way to live your life.
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So, um, speaking of bragging. As of today, I'm down 13 lbs from my mid-November start. It's an odd number in that I honestly never thought I'd make it past the original goal of ten. It's been fucking with my head a little, to be honest. I put on my jeans every morning and definitely notice that they are looser (which is nice because at the height of my weight it was Camel Toe City) but they are not so loose as to necessitate buying a size smaller. That will be a weird day when it comes, trust. This was completely the point of doing slow and quiet loss, though - that my mind needs time to catch up with body reality. I don't do change and transition easily and it's often crossed my mind that I'm even losing TOO fast. My goal was 1/2 lb a week and I'm averaging at just over a pound a week. However, I hold steadfastly to my thought about this entire process: it has to be doable in the moment and sustainable for the long term. I think I'm good to go.
Speaking of doable and sustainable -- can I just tell you how much glee I feel when I hear dieters around me say, "I really shouldn't" to a tasty treat that has been proferred? I want to shout outloud, "Well, I WILL!" As I'm dedicated to being quiet and self-oriented with this process, I don't actually shout that, but I do take said tasty treat and put it in my piehole. "Dieting" isn't worth not having treats, in my opinion. I know I'm a broken record on this one so I'll leave it at that.
Or not. Earlier today, the guy who resides a few cubes down - He Who Is On A Perpetual Diet - ate his requisite microwaved Lean Cuisine for lunch and then complained to his cube mate that, "that sure was not a lot of food for 250 calories." Um, ya think? 250 calories is a pittance for lunch and god forbid he pick up a piece of fruit to supplement it but oh right, I forgot... fruit has carbs. It's exactly when I get a self-satisfied grin on my face and think, "Too bad for you, dude. For lunch I just had homemade mashed potatoes, sauteed green beans and tofu, the biggest and most gorgeous Cara Cara orange you've ever laid eyes on, AND I'mma have a chocolate soy pudding cup for an afternoon treat. Suck on those 550 calories."
