In my previous posting, I talked about how I'd taken some actions to lose a little weight. To clarify the "some" or "a little" in regards to losing... two dress sizes is what I told my trainer that I'm going to concentrate on, with no particular timeline in mind other than "I've heard that 2 lbs a month is ideal." On my other blog, 5 lbs is what I said I'm going to concentrate on through December. Clearly it's hard for me to commit to something concrete, consistent and doable. I've never liked to set goals because I'm a horrible project manager. I tend to get jacked up about doing a very exciting something! for a short burst of time and then I'm over it. Chalk it up to being an Aries, or to allegedly having ADD, or whatever you want. It's me, and it's a pain in the ass.
If you take the self awareness that I'm a not great at achieving long-term goals and multiply that by the anxiety that comes with possibly/maybe/I guess losing some of the weight I've gradually gained since I was eight years old (ie. changing part of my identity), what you end up with is someone paralyzed by the mere thought of embarking on a weight loss plan. Then add in the requisite eye rolling and wanting-to-vomit that comes with even THINKING the phrase "weight loss plan", and you've got a big, conflicted, paralyzed ball of sarcastic anxiety on your hands.
But... I think I've found a way.
During my convo with coworker Janie (also in previous posting), she told me she was using the MyPlate food journal tool on livestrong.com. Janie wasn't pushing the use of this tool; I looked it up on my own accord and have been using it for a week now. My dislike for Lance Armstrong is epic and I didn't want to have anything to do with his world, but I admit that I like it quite a bit so far. Not that I've been perusing the site too much... mostly I just login and track my stuff, but honestly livestrong.com offends me far less than, say, some of the shit published in the Glamour magazines I insist on purchasing and reading every few months. And hey, usage is free! I'd say it's pretty groovy as you put in what you've eaten and then you can view and track as many or as few statistics about your food intake as you'd like (for instance, if you want to look at nutrition in addition to - or instead of - calories). You can also input and track your exercise activities and it links back to your caloric intake, showing how many calories you theoretically burned against what your daily calorie intake is. Here's what that means after running it through the fatspeak translator:
I just did an hour of circuit training with minimal rest... shit howdy, that means I can eat 1200 more calories today and still stay within my calorie allocation! I can haz chocolate shake!!
Well, that's what MY fatspeak translator says anyhow.
But, seriously. One thing I've learned from using the MyPlate tool is that it can be a little surprising what you find out from accruing a few days of data. The first two days I logged my intake, I made no change to what I had been eating (to set a baseline) and was over my calorie allocation by 500 calories both days. On the third, and all subsequent days, I switched up to the healthful, planful eating I always say I'm going to do and I've been under each day by 200-500 calories. I honestly don't feel like I've made some big change to my eating. All I did was get humble about it. I was eating like a rock star previously, dreaming up the biggest, bestest meals I could purchase or make for breakfast, lunch and dinner, meanwhile popping Halloween candy into my piehole all workday long. The upside to that is that I was eating things I liked and even expanding my cooking repertoire in a few instances. The downside is that, in the end, it wasn't even about those things tasting good in my mouth. I was really bored at work, stymied with my social life, and looking for a project to occupy my mind. Of course, all I've done now is shift my focus from eating big to eating humbly... we'll see how that works out for me in the end. I'm the first to admit it's dangerous business and it could blow up in my face.
Which brings me to my next point: I totally see how disordered eating can start in a hot second. I've got one foot on the gas and the other on the brake, and I intuited that I needed to do that from the starting gate. There's no way I'm going to let myself get consumed by a calorie tracker to the point that I'm a slave to it and it alone, but I can see how that can happen so very easily for someone who wants weight loss more than I do. I can see how it can happen for someone who is already thin but doesn't know it, and who is consumed by losing more and more weight. Afterall, the part of Janie's story that broke my heart was her talking about her first Overeaters Anonymous meeting. She sat there as a 300 lb radical, sporting her non-profit look and no makeup, and heard the exact same things she was saying also coming out of the mouth of a blonde, uber fashionable woman who was all of a size two.
In lighter news on the food journaling front: some of the things you think have a zillion calories don't really. Some of the things you think are horrible for your cholestorol are not necessarily. Conversely, some of the things you think don't have a zillion calories totally do, and some of the things you think are harmless to your cholestorol are pretty naughty! Shocking on either end. I've never been one to look at the nutrition facts labels on food because, frankly, I never gave a shit. Now I have to look at them to see that I'm tracking what I eat roughly correctly within the tool, but in terms of what the numbers mean for that specific food - I still don't give a shit. I'm not gonna pick that battle with food overall, and especially not with foods that I love. I like what I like and I'm still going to eat what I want. Granted, it might be in a more humble proportion or farther and fewer between, but I'm still gonna eat it. I think I'd die if I couldn't eat what I wanted to and what I crave.
I keep flashing back to this scene at last year's Thanksgiving dinner. My niece, she of junk in the truck, decided during the summertime that it was time for her to lose weight. I saw her briefly late in the summer when she'd already lost about 15 lbs, and she was super psyched to keep losing. By the time Thanksgiving rolled around, she had lost quite a bit more weight and was visibly pleased that she was receiving positive feedback from family members and told everyone she was gonna keep on going until she got to the size she wanted to be. As we sat down at the table, I looked around to everyone else's plate to compare portions to mine (I think a lot of people do this and just don't admit it!), and my eyes stopped on her plate. She had about half of what everyone else did on their plates. "Huh," I thought, "I guess that's what you have to do when you're losing weight like that." Later in the evening when it was dessert time, our hostess wheeled out the most amazing array of beautiful, hand-crafted desserts. I practically wanted to diddle myself under the table while taking it all in. Our hosts went person by person, doling out what each person wanted specifically, most people opting for a wanting a bit of everything. When it came time for my niece's plating, she said, "No thanks, I'm can't really eat dessert anymore." I wanted to ask her how long she'd been taking the crazy pills. How could anyone turn down dessert? And, permanently?? I felt a little heartbroken for her.
As it's a taboo subject for most folks, I decided not to pepper her with the million questions floating through my head, even if we'd had a quiet moment. The thing I wanted to know most was, Did she miss it? Did she want dessert eventhough she felt compelled to turn it down? Of course, this belies my personal bias towards dessert (and also flies in the face of not judging others for what they want to do with their bodies, but hey, I'm not perfect). Maybe she's not a dessert person, and if so, lucky for her! I recalled this scene with Honey Bunny last night and he nodded and said he remembered. I told him, "Honey, it doesn't matter where I'm going with this. I'll never turn down dessert*." He said, "Good, I'm glad."
Happy Thanksgiving! Eat well and don't turn down dessert if you don't want to.
* Actually, I'd turn it down if the only thing available was pumpkin pie. Yuck!
23 November 2010
The path
For the past 10+ years, I've had a hard time figuring out if I want to stay at my current weight/not worry about changing anything, or to try and lose some weight. This is mostly in light of my discovery of the Fat Acceptance movement back in the late 90's, and especially after having started this blog to be part of it. Before my discovery of the movement, I was swept up in the usual hysteria about having to lose weight and become a mainstream size, no questions asked. Right before I started this blog, my sister passed away from a massive heart attack related to diabetes and heart disease. My sister's death shocked and changed my world completely, of course, for many reasons. It also put a new spin on the question of whether to lose weight or not.
My sister, let's call her Cowgirl Alice, was always zaftig as were my other sister and I. When I was growing up, I never thought of Alice as different than myself in terms of weight or eating. She was, however and unfortunately, plagued by health problems - and weird ones at that - from the very start of her life. I suppose it stands to reason (in some fucked up universe) that she ended up with diabetes and severe hypothyroidism by my current age while my blood continues to test fine on at least an annual basis. Before her death, I didn't really think about health too much... losing weight was more a means to fit into Jordache jeans (age 10) or land the husband of my choosing (age 30). Since her death I'm, perhaps rightfully, a little paranoid. I get an annual physical with comprehensive bloodwork every year, and I have no qualms with asking the doctor to send me with a lab slip in between annuals if I feel it's needed. Yoga Trainer infamously asked me "if I wanted to die like my sister did", and no, I do not. But, I also don't want to walk through life being obsessed with needing to lose weight lest I die an untimely death, consumed with shame and guilt when and if I don't make the appropriate effort to lose weight, or consumed with making a succeeding effort if I do. (Nice to meet you... my name is Perfectionist!)
Lately I've been reflecting on my path over the past few years, mostly because I started working with a new personal trainer recently and I'm trying to work through the emotional scars leftover from Yoga Trainer. When I started to work with Yoga Trainer in November 2007, it was because I wanted toned arms and abs to go with my wedding dress, and also because I was at the height of paranoia about possible health problems a la Cowgirl Alice. Two years later, I still hadn't really lost much or any weight and I wasn't much more toned either... a matter on which Yoga Trainer always vacillated between brittle old school yoga master punishment and mellow new age yoga master encouragement, the former eventually winning out and driving me away. Whenever he'd question me along the way as to why I wasn't fully committed to losing weight I'd tell him, "I'm really conflicted because I consider myself part of the Fat Acceptance community." His reply: a blank stare, followed by a demand to get into Warrior pose ASAP while I contemplate why I was letting that get in the way of my personal goal. The irony is that I never really had a personal goal to begin with because I always felt so conflicted.
Exit Yoga Trainer and enter Boxy Lady. I chose Boxy Lady specifically because she learned about training people of size from one Cinder Ernst and because she's a member of NAAFA. I also chose Boxy Lady because she's a boxer and that's kick ass! When I was interviewing potential new trainers (believe me, I wasn't going to go down the Yoga Trainer road again), Boxy Lady almost told me she wouldn't train me because one of my goals was to lose weight. When I clarified that I wanted to lose some weight, not half my body size, she breathed a sigh of relief and we were in business. I love working with her because she's not afraid to make me work (I'm looking at you, YMCA trainer who was afraid of making this fattie have a heart attack from doing crunches), and while she's tough she never talks down to me and never puts her own words in my mouth or her own goals in my head (suck on that, Yoga Trainer).
Something happened in the past week. Firstly, I started reading Two Whole Cakes (formerly Fatshionista) on a daily basis. As you'll see by the latest entry as of this posting date, blogger Lesley is a proponent that each person is the "undisputed expert" on his or her own body and that she is "in favor of people finding happiness and fulfillment by whatever path they choose". Thank you for that, Lesley. It's kinda what I needed to hear to move forward and not feel so conflicted. Lesley goes on in that sentence to say, "so long as they support the rights of others to make their own decisions and don’t prescribe behaviors." I believe this also. It's why I believe I will always support Fat Acceptance no matter where my own path takes me.
The other thing that happened was a conversation with my long-lost coworker and sister zaftig chick, Janie. Janie told me she'd been struggling for awhile with a raging sugar addiction and compulsive overeating, to the point that she joined Overeaters Anonymous and hired a personal trainer for three days a week. Her doctor had told her she was on the verge on becoming diabetic, which is what spurred her action plan. Please let it be known that Janie is a self described radical: feminist, activist, and lots of other -ists too. I never, in my wildest dreams, would have thought I'd hear from her lips that she belongs to a 12-step program and is radically trying to lose weight. Not only did our conversation challenge all I knew to be true about Janie, it challenged my own assumptions about what might be considered politically correct in the world of weight loss.
Janie's story also struck me on a really personal level. I feel like my eating has gotten off the hook lately (along with a lackadaisical attitude about needing to do any exercise between weekly training sessions, ahem). I plan to eat and purchase great and healthy food at the grocery store each week, and then it gets pushed aside in favor of super processed, super salty fare in super quantities. Not everyday of course, but most days, and I realize I'd reached the tipping point. When all my favorite clothes start to feel tight, that changes things. When I no longer feel good about myself, or the way I'm eating, that changes things. I just didn't quite know how to get out of that mode and back into healthful eating. Hearing Janie talk about her own struggles thankfully shocked my system enough to make a couple changes that are so far going well. More about that in a future posting.
Of course, the ever-conflicted part of me is compelled to say (or re-state) a couple things at this point. For starters, I really do believe that each person has the right to make choices for her or his own body. Given that I have a familial risk factor for diabetes and heart disease (Alice), a familial risk factor for high blood pressure and "bad" cholestorol (Dad), and a burning desire to do things like snowboard and surf, it just feels like it's time to lose a little weight. If you're reading this, and especially if you're also zaftig, please don't take this as a sign that I've sold out or that I'm hoping to become skinny-minny. Also, don't feel that this will become a weight loss blog. That's the last thing I want my blog to become. I've always chosen to be honest when writing and I'll be that same way if and when I lose weight and want to talk about it. If anything, the politics of losing weight is far more important and interesting for me to talk about than trumpeting about my own possible losses.
As for those possible losses, who knows if they will happen. I feel like I've hit the reset button several times over the past few years (another reason I've been reflecting) and have not really gained much ground. I do think I've gained perspective, though, and that's very important to me and my life. While my path lay ahead of me, I don't quite know what's coming next and that's pretty scary. I'm trying not to be afraid of or motivated by failing while simultaneously not being afraid of or motivated by succeeding, and that's a weird place to be. Talk about political.
My sister, let's call her Cowgirl Alice, was always zaftig as were my other sister and I. When I was growing up, I never thought of Alice as different than myself in terms of weight or eating. She was, however and unfortunately, plagued by health problems - and weird ones at that - from the very start of her life. I suppose it stands to reason (in some fucked up universe) that she ended up with diabetes and severe hypothyroidism by my current age while my blood continues to test fine on at least an annual basis. Before her death, I didn't really think about health too much... losing weight was more a means to fit into Jordache jeans (age 10) or land the husband of my choosing (age 30). Since her death I'm, perhaps rightfully, a little paranoid. I get an annual physical with comprehensive bloodwork every year, and I have no qualms with asking the doctor to send me with a lab slip in between annuals if I feel it's needed. Yoga Trainer infamously asked me "if I wanted to die like my sister did", and no, I do not. But, I also don't want to walk through life being obsessed with needing to lose weight lest I die an untimely death, consumed with shame and guilt when and if I don't make the appropriate effort to lose weight, or consumed with making a succeeding effort if I do. (Nice to meet you... my name is Perfectionist!)
Lately I've been reflecting on my path over the past few years, mostly because I started working with a new personal trainer recently and I'm trying to work through the emotional scars leftover from Yoga Trainer. When I started to work with Yoga Trainer in November 2007, it was because I wanted toned arms and abs to go with my wedding dress, and also because I was at the height of paranoia about possible health problems a la Cowgirl Alice. Two years later, I still hadn't really lost much or any weight and I wasn't much more toned either... a matter on which Yoga Trainer always vacillated between brittle old school yoga master punishment and mellow new age yoga master encouragement, the former eventually winning out and driving me away. Whenever he'd question me along the way as to why I wasn't fully committed to losing weight I'd tell him, "I'm really conflicted because I consider myself part of the Fat Acceptance community." His reply: a blank stare, followed by a demand to get into Warrior pose ASAP while I contemplate why I was letting that get in the way of my personal goal. The irony is that I never really had a personal goal to begin with because I always felt so conflicted.
Exit Yoga Trainer and enter Boxy Lady. I chose Boxy Lady specifically because she learned about training people of size from one Cinder Ernst and because she's a member of NAAFA. I also chose Boxy Lady because she's a boxer and that's kick ass! When I was interviewing potential new trainers (believe me, I wasn't going to go down the Yoga Trainer road again), Boxy Lady almost told me she wouldn't train me because one of my goals was to lose weight. When I clarified that I wanted to lose some weight, not half my body size, she breathed a sigh of relief and we were in business. I love working with her because she's not afraid to make me work (I'm looking at you, YMCA trainer who was afraid of making this fattie have a heart attack from doing crunches), and while she's tough she never talks down to me and never puts her own words in my mouth or her own goals in my head (suck on that, Yoga Trainer).
Something happened in the past week. Firstly, I started reading Two Whole Cakes (formerly Fatshionista) on a daily basis. As you'll see by the latest entry as of this posting date, blogger Lesley is a proponent that each person is the "undisputed expert" on his or her own body and that she is "in favor of people finding happiness and fulfillment by whatever path they choose". Thank you for that, Lesley. It's kinda what I needed to hear to move forward and not feel so conflicted. Lesley goes on in that sentence to say, "so long as they support the rights of others to make their own decisions and don’t prescribe behaviors." I believe this also. It's why I believe I will always support Fat Acceptance no matter where my own path takes me.
The other thing that happened was a conversation with my long-lost coworker and sister zaftig chick, Janie. Janie told me she'd been struggling for awhile with a raging sugar addiction and compulsive overeating, to the point that she joined Overeaters Anonymous and hired a personal trainer for three days a week. Her doctor had told her she was on the verge on becoming diabetic, which is what spurred her action plan. Please let it be known that Janie is a self described radical: feminist, activist, and lots of other -ists too. I never, in my wildest dreams, would have thought I'd hear from her lips that she belongs to a 12-step program and is radically trying to lose weight. Not only did our conversation challenge all I knew to be true about Janie, it challenged my own assumptions about what might be considered politically correct in the world of weight loss.
Janie's story also struck me on a really personal level. I feel like my eating has gotten off the hook lately (along with a lackadaisical attitude about needing to do any exercise between weekly training sessions, ahem). I plan to eat and purchase great and healthy food at the grocery store each week, and then it gets pushed aside in favor of super processed, super salty fare in super quantities. Not everyday of course, but most days, and I realize I'd reached the tipping point. When all my favorite clothes start to feel tight, that changes things. When I no longer feel good about myself, or the way I'm eating, that changes things. I just didn't quite know how to get out of that mode and back into healthful eating. Hearing Janie talk about her own struggles thankfully shocked my system enough to make a couple changes that are so far going well. More about that in a future posting.
Of course, the ever-conflicted part of me is compelled to say (or re-state) a couple things at this point. For starters, I really do believe that each person has the right to make choices for her or his own body. Given that I have a familial risk factor for diabetes and heart disease (Alice), a familial risk factor for high blood pressure and "bad" cholestorol (Dad), and a burning desire to do things like snowboard and surf, it just feels like it's time to lose a little weight. If you're reading this, and especially if you're also zaftig, please don't take this as a sign that I've sold out or that I'm hoping to become skinny-minny. Also, don't feel that this will become a weight loss blog. That's the last thing I want my blog to become. I've always chosen to be honest when writing and I'll be that same way if and when I lose weight and want to talk about it. If anything, the politics of losing weight is far more important and interesting for me to talk about than trumpeting about my own possible losses.
As for those possible losses, who knows if they will happen. I feel like I've hit the reset button several times over the past few years (another reason I've been reflecting) and have not really gained much ground. I do think I've gained perspective, though, and that's very important to me and my life. While my path lay ahead of me, I don't quite know what's coming next and that's pretty scary. I'm trying not to be afraid of or motivated by failing while simultaneously not being afraid of or motivated by succeeding, and that's a weird place to be. Talk about political.
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