It's happened. I knew it would at some point.
Last night Honey Bunny and I were working out with Yoga Trainer and I was having a hard time doing 21 Frog Squats as compared to our usual 15. The majority of the time I can make it to 12 before my thighs start to scream (no problem! - only three more to go... usually) but last night, my thighs were burning like crazy by number seven. A psych out, knowing that I had to go six past the usual 15? Normal flux between workout sessions? Or must I admit that in the two weeks Yoga Trainer was on vacation, I only exercised on my own a whopping three times and was feeling the impact of that?
I stopped at 16 and started rubbing my thighs and said, "Omigod, my thighs are on fire!" Yoga Trainer didn't say his usual, "Just take a breath and resume. You'll be okay!" while continuing to do the squats himself. Instead he stopped, stood up, put his hands on his hips and said, "I'd have a hard time doing these too if I strapped 100 pounds to my body."
Hardest words to hear, EVER.
Well, that's not entirely true. I actually think being talked to by my parents and sister over the years about needing to lose weight ranks as being just slightly worse, if only because it felt so loaded (they are my family, aren't they supposed to love me the way I am?), dangerous (oh god, what if they don't love me this way?) and, sometimes, just downright judgmental (Hi Dad! Thanks for saying that being obese makes people look "unkempt"!). Honey Bunny, too, has expressed over our six years together that he would like me to be more healthy so that we can live a long married life together. That doesn't feel so painful anymore, though... now that it is a dialogue between us rather than a suggestion or lecture.
It was extremely hard to endure Yoga Trainer's words, and the ensuing hour in which he asked us to sit down and for me to really talk about what it is I want out of training and, well, life. (Hey, he's a yoga guy.) Lots of tears were shed on my part. I contemplated getting up and walking out a few times because it was so uncomfortable. I wasn't sure in the moment whether what YT was saying was harsh or compassionate.
When people talk to me about needing to lose weight or be more healthy, my first reaction is to feel victimized. In reality, what I know for sure is that I feel thoroughly embarrassed and disoriented, and sometimes offended. Whether those things qualify me for the "victim" category, I'm not so sure.
My victimized stance usually includes a lot of tears and reasoning for why the person talking to me has no right to do so. So much so that the person (usually) backs down and apologizes for bringing it up. If it's someone close to me, s/he says they love me for who I am and meant no harm.
Something interesting happened with Yoga Trainer, though. By the end of our conversation, I no longer felt embarrassed, disoriented, offended OR victimized. YT is a tough nut with a big ego. And, apparently, so am I. He won last night, but his victory didn't seem like my personal defeat. While I can't say at this point that his victory is going to be my personal victory (cue YT to stop what he's doing, stare intensely at me and shoot back, "Why not?"), I can at least say that he talked to me about losing weight in a way that felt very different than the way others have. He's not part of my family and he isn't my friend really (at least not in the traditional way). It didn't feel so loaded and dangerous, and while he pushed me to my limit to get information and a commitment to have further intense conversations with him, it still didn't feel judgmental.
It was so weird to be raw like that. I talked to him about being in a dead-end job, feeling like I was going nowhere in life, not being able to set goals and stick to them, and how that all relates to losing weight (or not). It was the weirdest therapy I've ever experienced, that's for sure. With Therapist, we talk about things slowly and methodically in a safe setting where I get to (feel like I?) make discoveries on my own. Talking with YT was, literally, wild. I think both behoove me. (Lordy, is it too bourgeois to say that and to be able to take advantage of both??)
