Here's some irony: the day after I wrote the last posting I found out I was pregnant. Zing! It's been a little crazy up in here, in this head, since then.
Honey Bunny and I have been "trying" since January 2009 to have a kid. I think I have to somewhat credit losing weight and getting more fit for becoming pregnant. I did make a couple other life changes in the same basic span of time that I decided to lose weight and I'm sure those had something to do with it, too. I'm saying all this with much hesitation because I don't want to come off as a dieting apologist.
I've had the requisite food aversion and nausea like most women get and it's taught me a few things. Namely, that some of the food I was eating to lose weight doesn't really deserve the title of "food". That was a hard one to swallow (har har!) after so many devoted months of thinking what I was doing was right and sound. After the baby is hatched and I'm ready to again lose some weight, I'll have to remember that.
Also, did you know that physical exertion can cause nausea if you're prone to it? I'm not a barfer under normal circumstances so I didn't know. All the exercise habits I had established are out the window. I would sooner chew my own arm off than go to personal training right now. In fact, I made the decision to put PT on the shelf until all is said and done. It makes no sense to spend money on working out hard because, well, I can't work out hard at the present time. Bah.
Overall being pregnant has put a giant kink in my body image that I didn't quite expect. I was more focused on (obsessed with?) losing weight than I gave myself credit for, as it felt like ceasing equaled death. My doctor said I could continue to track my food intake and weight, and that she wanted me for sure to continue exercising, but that I shouldn't be trying to lose weight at this time. It took me all of a day to stop consistently tracking my food, and in a month's time I've fallen completely off the wagon. I still do track my weight every other day for peace of mind and Dr. reporting purposes. Like I said above, exercising has slowed to a crawl. All of it makes me feel like a big, fat failure. Logically I know that it's not a failure but instead an adjustment to a huge life change in progress. Some charitable folks have even said it's important self care to have stepped away from the focus of losing weight. Emotionally, however, I feel like I'm letting myself down.
Not helping the cause is pressure from a couple of sources in my life about needing to exercise or else. The last time I went to visit my doctor, who I love in all ways but this, she read me about needing to exercise in order to have a healthy pregnancy. On one hand, I buy it hook, line and sinker. I've heard over and over how staying active really does help your body cope with added weight and especially with the act of child birth. Who doesn't want that? On the other hand, I can't help but feel there was bias present in her lecture. Women of all shapes and sizes and cultures have healthy babies every day regardless of how much they exercised during their pregnancies. It's not the only factor in a healthy pregnancy, and I have to wonder if my doctor was stressing the importance of it because I'm fat. If it was my vitals or blood test results that added fuel to the fire, or was the fuel to begin with, I wish she would have shared that information.
I really thought I was going to be immune to all the body image stuff as it relates to pregnancy. I always hated hearing from otherwise thin women "how fat they are" when they're in actuality eight months pregnant. Now I somewhat get it. The changes that happen to your body feel extreme, especially when you've worked to make your body be a certain way. Practically every single day my husband tells me how proud he is to see my body changing because I'm carrying our baby and I have to take a really, really deep breath and try not to FREAK THE FUCK OUT. And, I can't even accept that that's where my head is at right now. I feel shame because I "should" be taking it all in stride, right? I "should" be enjoying this temporary rite-of-passage change, right?
One of the first things I jumped to for solace when I realized everything had to change (the food, the exercise, the body) was the idea of taking the baby weight off afterwards. I had visions of walking the baby around briskly in a stroller or pack every day, getting my exercise. I had visions of once again working out hard in personal training. I had visions of my body changing shape, being even 'better' than it was before I got pregnant. I've thankfully chilled out on this point over the past month, especially as I've told this fantasy to friends who are mothers and they just laugh. "There's really not a lot of time to do anything other than care for your baby in the first couple months, so you'll have to see if that's viable for you." Oh.
I'm happy to be carrying and having a child, but it's a complicated matter for the body (and mind) on a number of levels! If you care to follow me at my other blog, In the Company of Baby, I'll mostly be posting over there for the next nine or so months.
