Motivation & contemplation

I've been feeling a little self-conscious about my wedding dress posts (or, conversely, that I haven't posted anything else of real significance). I kept/keep going back and forth about whether those posts really relate to the general theme of the blog, but in the end I feel they really do. It's been pretty darn frustrating being a zaftig woman preparing for her wedding. You're supposed to look and feel great on your wedding day, and that includes dressing the part.

I decided early on that I didn't want an actual wedding dress and instead would opt for a floor-length bridesmaid dress. To those who have never shopped first-hand for either, that means I'll spend around $290 while someone who chooses an actual bridal dress will pay an average of $1000. Either way I still cannot believe that women who are above a certain size are expected to slap down cold, hard, final sale cash for a dress that they can't try on until it's delivered to them. Excuse my french, but it fucking boggles my mind how this can be so. And, I personally cannot pull the trigger, no matter how hard I try. I'm basically paralyzed over this decision, and my budget is "only" $350.

The other issue I've been grappling with is that the dress line I've been wanting to purchase from only goes up to size 24. Did I mention that conventional theory is that bridal and bridesmaid dresses are actually two sizes smaller than the tag reads? I'm currently a 26, meaning I would have to lose two sizes (by Feb 1st, to allow for production time) in order to fit into their 24.

So, I decided to get a personal trainer to lose those two sizes. After five weeks, I felt a million times better and stronger health-wise, but didn't have much weight loss to show for it. After much reflection, I decided that I needed a dress line that goes up to 28, and pretty much all but the dress line I mentioned above do this. I felt a lot better, a lot less anxious. I told my trainer about my decision and he was really happy. He said he wants me to be happy and healthy on my wedding day, no matter what size I am. Me, I ultimately felt it was very shallow motivation to lose weight for one dress and one day of my life.

The truth is, though, that I would like to lose weight - not just for that day, but in general - and I feel guilty about it. Part of my identity is being a zaftig chick with in interest in the social issue of fat acceptance. No one should have to lose weight in order to be happy, so why lose weight at all? Right? Well, then, why do I want to lose weight? And if I do end up losing weight, does that make me a total hypocrite? These are questions I've been pondering for seven weeks now, and make the process of personal training, losing weight, and finding motivation a lot more difficult than it already is.

The weirdest thing was when my trainer asked me what my goals were. I said, "to be healthier and stronger and hopefully to lose some weight." He replied, "'hopefully' or 'actually' lose some weight? Because I don't know that middle-ground is really going to work for you in this instance." And, he's right. Lucky for me, he's not the run of the mill gym rat trainer. He's a yoga practitioner who only trains "in the world" (meaning that we do cardio training in his quiet and hilly residential neighborhood) and in the small yoga studio in his house. I can only assume he would swap the word "motivation" for "intent", and I try to keep that in mind. Sometimes "motivation" can be a tool that I use against myself, in lots of ways.

By the way, when I picture myself as less than a size 26, I don't go too far. I fluctuated between sizes 18-22 for a really long time and I think that's where my body and I are happiest, the most balanced. My therapist used to say this... I don't think I'd be the same person if I was much less than that. Being zaftig is part of who I am.

Help me decide, Part 3

Sorry, just one more possible wedding dress before I resume regular posting on this blog!

What do you think of this one? I'm not super stoked on the rhinestones but I could make them work. I just think it's a cute dress and would look cute on me.