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Bay Area Zaftig Chick Social Club
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21 August 2010
20 August 2010
Enjoyable vs. joyless
I've been thinking a lot lately about things that are enjoyable and things that aren't. This is in part due to my two-week staycation in late July, where I pressed the pause button on work and really tried to just enjoy l-i-v-i-n. The most vivid result of blogging about my vacation was seeing how much of it revolved around food and how food selection and eating has the power to make me feel great or to make me feel like shit.
Take, for instance, a dinner I had last weekend at Dosa with a couple of female friends I'd made online but hadn't yet met in person. It was Awkward, capital A, as "blind dates" can often be. I was dining with these women as an effort to make new friends where I live, people to possibly hang out with. What the experience taught me is that joyful eating is a fairly intimate act for me. Dosa is currently one of my faves and eating there, until now, has been awesome. If I'm with close friends or with Honey Bunny, I can let it all hang out. I can close my eyes while I hum about how yummy that bite was. I can give my true preferences for dishes I'd like to share (or not share, as the case may be). I can eat the whole thing if I want to. On my blind date, I didn't feel as though I could do any of that because the level of intimacy wasn't there. Along with the awkwardness of the conversation etc, I may as well have been chewing on curry-flavored cardboard. It was joyless. I'd been looking so forward to eating there, too.
In stark contrast, at least in retrospect, was how I viewed food intake while on vacation. I ate casually and not on a set schedule or with a set menu like I do when I'm going to work. I had the time to ask myself, What sounds good today? Because I was dutifully trying to stay busy by going out in the world and doing fun things, I actually thought about food less. As I began each day I had time and space to actually think through what I wanted, and obtain it, and enjoy it, and then move on. The issue of food was taken off the table (no pun intended!) in this way.
I'm a girl who loves good food. I don't think that will ever change, even if I lose weight someday. In fact, I'll go so far as to say, I don't want it to change. In my version of the world, food should be enjoyable and satisfying. (At least to those of us who enjoy food; I know there are some folks who just don't and never have, and that's fine, too). And, I surmise that by giving into indulgences as they came up, it actually made me much less likely to need indulgences every single day, or to mindlessly eat.
In the end, I felt terrific. I'll cop to the fact that I formally worked out just once in those two weeks of vacation (with an additional smattering of brisk walks with Honey Bunny) but by the end of it I actually felt like I lost weight. I don't care if I even did lose weight or not; my state of mind was the important thing. I didn't trip out on the indulgences I did go for.
Since returning to work, I feel like it's all sliding downhil again. I work hard to eat a really nice and balanced breakfast before work, but that's about all I can say for healthy eating. I've managed to mostly stay away from the Snack Closet of Doom (that which contains Halloween size chocolate and candy for our work events, among other snacks), which is good. I've tried to think about getting a nice and balanced lunch but the reality of work is that there is often not time or space to do so. I also have a horrible habit of eating at my computer, where I am all day long as it is, so that I can Facebook and read blogs unabashedly. It would probably serve me well to get away and be in the moment with my lunch.
One good habit I implemented upon my return to work is a fruit plate next to my computer. Every Monday I bring, or go get, five pieces of fresh, tasty looking fruit for my fruit plate, which is there to satisfy afternoon sweet-tooth cravings. It's no chocolate, that's for sure, but right now the stone fruit is super good and I'm always surprised at how yummy it can be. My rule is that I eat a piece of fruit first and if I'm still dying for chocolate, I'm allowed to get ONE piece of dark chocolate from the Snack Closet. I know that sounds restrictive but I had to find a way to stay out of that closet. It's a mindless eating nightmare waiting to happen.
Something else that came up for examination during my vacation was my relationship with Yoga Trainer. Summer is always his busiest time for travel and so he's gone a lot and I end up falling off the exercise wagon partially as a result of that. I had a conversation with my sporty friend The Mirthmaker about Yoga Trainer and how I've been feeling less and less satisfied with his services. I'd not told her many particulars about YT over the past two and a half years that I've been working with him, but I really went there during this conversation. Remember the intervention? I told her about that and she gasped, put her hand over her mouth and then asked me how the hell I could have ever returned. Likewise when I told her about the time I was choking for breath while having a total emotional meltdown during a hardcore walk with him and he pointedly asked me, "Do you want to die like your sister did?" The Mirthmaker is, herself, a fan of boot camp style exercise and so it took me by surprise that she was surprised. My feeling about these - and other, perhaps more minor - instances with YT is that it was probably something I "needed" to hear in order to motivate me. But did it? Obviously not.
It's a long story and I'm not going to go there (yet) on this blog about my issues with outspoken people (read it on the other blog if so inclined), but needless to say Yoga Trainer is someone I deem "outspoken". I've also admitted to myself that he is pretty darn egotistical and has little to no interest in hearing or working with my side of the story, what I think will motivate me, what I think is best for myself. Talk about joyless. Hey, I think that YT is a fundamentally good person, I've learned some great stuff from him in terms of staying in a positive headspace and deep breathing, and there have been plenty of times I've enjoyed myself during our sessions when he's taken a more nurturing approach. We've reached the tipping point is all. He is gone again for another month to travel, and upon his return I've told Honey Bunny that I'm willing to train together with YT once a week max, or maybe not at all, but otherwise I'll be finding a new and female trainer to work with. Let's hope it sticks this time, eh? My real hope, though, is that it will be enjoyable and fulfilling no matter what the outcome.
Speaking of training and losing weight, I've been meaning to post a review or at least mention the TV show Huge. Admittedly I was very tentative about watching. Being on ABC Family meant it could go down a judgemental road real quick. But, I'm pleasantly surprised and it's actually become one of my favorite shows of the season. I feel like it does a good job of making the characters multi-dimensional, that no one person is bad or good, right or wrong. Everyone has feelings and motivations, both fat and thin. I think Nikki Blonsky is doing a great job as main character Will, a girl so incensed by her parents sending her to fat camp, and by society's pressure to be thin and girly, that she's vowed to gain weight while there. I'm also loving Raven Goodwin as Becca, the character I most personally identify with. The show is based on the book by Sasha Paley, which I have yet to read but really looking forward to it. Check out the show if you can!
Take, for instance, a dinner I had last weekend at Dosa with a couple of female friends I'd made online but hadn't yet met in person. It was Awkward, capital A, as "blind dates" can often be. I was dining with these women as an effort to make new friends where I live, people to possibly hang out with. What the experience taught me is that joyful eating is a fairly intimate act for me. Dosa is currently one of my faves and eating there, until now, has been awesome. If I'm with close friends or with Honey Bunny, I can let it all hang out. I can close my eyes while I hum about how yummy that bite was. I can give my true preferences for dishes I'd like to share (or not share, as the case may be). I can eat the whole thing if I want to. On my blind date, I didn't feel as though I could do any of that because the level of intimacy wasn't there. Along with the awkwardness of the conversation etc, I may as well have been chewing on curry-flavored cardboard. It was joyless. I'd been looking so forward to eating there, too.
In stark contrast, at least in retrospect, was how I viewed food intake while on vacation. I ate casually and not on a set schedule or with a set menu like I do when I'm going to work. I had the time to ask myself, What sounds good today? Because I was dutifully trying to stay busy by going out in the world and doing fun things, I actually thought about food less. As I began each day I had time and space to actually think through what I wanted, and obtain it, and enjoy it, and then move on. The issue of food was taken off the table (no pun intended!) in this way.
I'm a girl who loves good food. I don't think that will ever change, even if I lose weight someday. In fact, I'll go so far as to say, I don't want it to change. In my version of the world, food should be enjoyable and satisfying. (At least to those of us who enjoy food; I know there are some folks who just don't and never have, and that's fine, too). And, I surmise that by giving into indulgences as they came up, it actually made me much less likely to need indulgences every single day, or to mindlessly eat.
In the end, I felt terrific. I'll cop to the fact that I formally worked out just once in those two weeks of vacation (with an additional smattering of brisk walks with Honey Bunny) but by the end of it I actually felt like I lost weight. I don't care if I even did lose weight or not; my state of mind was the important thing. I didn't trip out on the indulgences I did go for.
Since returning to work, I feel like it's all sliding downhil again. I work hard to eat a really nice and balanced breakfast before work, but that's about all I can say for healthy eating. I've managed to mostly stay away from the Snack Closet of Doom (that which contains Halloween size chocolate and candy for our work events, among other snacks), which is good. I've tried to think about getting a nice and balanced lunch but the reality of work is that there is often not time or space to do so. I also have a horrible habit of eating at my computer, where I am all day long as it is, so that I can Facebook and read blogs unabashedly. It would probably serve me well to get away and be in the moment with my lunch.
One good habit I implemented upon my return to work is a fruit plate next to my computer. Every Monday I bring, or go get, five pieces of fresh, tasty looking fruit for my fruit plate, which is there to satisfy afternoon sweet-tooth cravings. It's no chocolate, that's for sure, but right now the stone fruit is super good and I'm always surprised at how yummy it can be. My rule is that I eat a piece of fruit first and if I'm still dying for chocolate, I'm allowed to get ONE piece of dark chocolate from the Snack Closet. I know that sounds restrictive but I had to find a way to stay out of that closet. It's a mindless eating nightmare waiting to happen.
Something else that came up for examination during my vacation was my relationship with Yoga Trainer. Summer is always his busiest time for travel and so he's gone a lot and I end up falling off the exercise wagon partially as a result of that. I had a conversation with my sporty friend The Mirthmaker about Yoga Trainer and how I've been feeling less and less satisfied with his services. I'd not told her many particulars about YT over the past two and a half years that I've been working with him, but I really went there during this conversation. Remember the intervention? I told her about that and she gasped, put her hand over her mouth and then asked me how the hell I could have ever returned. Likewise when I told her about the time I was choking for breath while having a total emotional meltdown during a hardcore walk with him and he pointedly asked me, "Do you want to die like your sister did?" The Mirthmaker is, herself, a fan of boot camp style exercise and so it took me by surprise that she was surprised. My feeling about these - and other, perhaps more minor - instances with YT is that it was probably something I "needed" to hear in order to motivate me. But did it? Obviously not.
It's a long story and I'm not going to go there (yet) on this blog about my issues with outspoken people (read it on the other blog if so inclined), but needless to say Yoga Trainer is someone I deem "outspoken". I've also admitted to myself that he is pretty darn egotistical and has little to no interest in hearing or working with my side of the story, what I think will motivate me, what I think is best for myself. Talk about joyless. Hey, I think that YT is a fundamentally good person, I've learned some great stuff from him in terms of staying in a positive headspace and deep breathing, and there have been plenty of times I've enjoyed myself during our sessions when he's taken a more nurturing approach. We've reached the tipping point is all. He is gone again for another month to travel, and upon his return I've told Honey Bunny that I'm willing to train together with YT once a week max, or maybe not at all, but otherwise I'll be finding a new and female trainer to work with. Let's hope it sticks this time, eh? My real hope, though, is that it will be enjoyable and fulfilling no matter what the outcome.
Speaking of training and losing weight, I've been meaning to post a review or at least mention the TV show Huge. Admittedly I was very tentative about watching. Being on ABC Family meant it could go down a judgemental road real quick. But, I'm pleasantly surprised and it's actually become one of my favorite shows of the season. I feel like it does a good job of making the characters multi-dimensional, that no one person is bad or good, right or wrong. Everyone has feelings and motivations, both fat and thin. I think Nikki Blonsky is doing a great job as main character Will, a girl so incensed by her parents sending her to fat camp, and by society's pressure to be thin and girly, that she's vowed to gain weight while there. I'm also loving Raven Goodwin as Becca, the character I most personally identify with. The show is based on the book by Sasha Paley, which I have yet to read but really looking forward to it. Check out the show if you can!
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