Six months ago I joined a Health At Every Size (HAES) group on Facebook, and just now left it. I decided I can no longer stand the way the moderator or group members jump down the throats of any members that post "diet-y" stuff, or stuff that could be considered a "trigger". Really, I felt like, as a member, I needed to exist quietly in a nice, neat box labeled "fat is right, never question it".
To me, fat can be right but it's not always right and it's not always wrong, either. There exist many shades of grey where fat is concerned. Those with a BMI over 30 are considered obese, regardless of current state of health or family histories. I believe those things should help guide our decision making when we're fat because not everyone who is considered fat, overweight and/or obese is "unhealthy", and not everyone who has a BMI under 30 is "healthy". Sometimes thin people think they are fat. Sometimes fat people think they're fatter than they really are. Sometimes fat people genuinely like the way they look. Sometimes they decide that, after looking at factual evidence AND/OR guided by intuition, their risk for disease is too high and they want to exercise or lose weight to help mitigate the risk. Sometimes thin people do this too.
The point is that everyone gets to decide for themselves in a culture where "deciding for yourself" isn't tolerated if your outsides are perceived as fat. I thought the point of anti-bias work and HAES was to challenge and confront bias that exists on a larger scale, not to berate individuals who actually self-identify as anti-bias supporters. The latter, to me, represents the worst of "group": a membership that makes outspoken and radical response the norm without an ounce of restraint or reflection, without any wiggle room for being challenged.
And, yes, as usual I'm being hyperbolic but you see... "group" is a trigger for me.
I left the group with a Wall post saying that the moderator might consider a more neutral approach than threatening expulsion in response to a member's "too diet-y" or "trigger inducing" posts, and also might consider listing posting guidelines and group norms in the "About Us" section. I also said that I chose to leave voluntarily because the group is more outspoken and radical about issues of fat than I'm personally comfortable with, and that I wished everyone the best. The moderator responded almost immediately with, "Oh really?"
And that is that. I'm glad to have moved on.
15 August 2013
08 August 2013
On the precipice
Last weekend I had an epiphany about how fat can be treated in our culture. Granted, this is largely biased by my own experiences and propelled by my own fears.
It's like you're standing on the precipice, and with each bite of (bad) food you're inching closer... and closer... and closer to falling off the edge into death's waiting arms.
I was reflecting on some recent conversations I've had with my friend S about being fat (we both are), and remembering an unpleasant moment I had with my mother in law in regards to green coffee extract ("I'd like to buy some for you! I saw it on Dr. Oz! It's supposed to be a miracle!"), and also thinking about my sister who died almost 10 years ago due to fat-related health issues (go ahead and call it "obesity" if you must, now that it's an official diagnosis). I wondered in my head: What, truly, is the fuss over fat people?
No doubt I've posted about this before (and am too lazy to find when I did in order to link back to it!) so I won't go on and on about it again. In a nutshell, I think that fat represents something that people don't like to look at because it reminds them of what they could be or what they have been, or it reminds them of a loved one who is fat and struggling and they wish they could save the person (but they can't). It's a little bit like the concepts of cognitive dissonance and subtle contempt that are part of anti-racism theory.
In my life I've had a lot of exposure to people who are on drugs, and to clarify I'm speaking of drugs that are considered "heavier" than alcohol and marijuana. In instances where the person on drugs was a close friend, I would feel sickened by seeing my friend high and I would almost always remove myself from watching him or her use because that was even worse. Those were times when I would sadly think, "this person is on the precipice."
I have a hard time seeing others apply that to a fat person they don't know and his/her perceived eating or health choices. A few months ago I eavesdropped on a conversation between a not-fat couple who we were seated next to in a restaurant, in which they were looking at a very fat man across the restaurant eat his burger dinner. "That is so sad. He obviously needs help," said Person A. Person B replied, "Totally. He should have ordered a salad instead of that burger. He's a heart attack waiting to happen." That's about the time I asked Honey Bunny if we could please re-seat ourselves elsewhere.
The existence of Overeaters Anonymous is also a hard one for me. On one hand, I don't understand how food can be considered an addiction when, unlike alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling and shopping, it's necessary to eat on a daily basis for survival. On the other hand, whether or not a person is considered an "addict" can sometimes be very subjective although thankfully there are documented objective characteristics of addiction, care of the American Psychological Association. There are many shades to an addiction and what constitutes an addict vs. addictive behaviors, in my opinion.
ALL of this has been rolling around in my brain lately because, unfortunately, I feel like I'm on the precipice. I'm not the type of person who openly flirts with death so I consider this more of a warning precipice. Just today I entertained the notion of going to an OA meeting, which, given what I said above about that group, should give you an indication of where my head is at. It's a good thing this article landed in my lap courtesy of a Facebook friend, for a little perspective.
I hesitate to say that what I'm going through is a "problem" because I don't want to provide more fodder for our biased culture. So instead I'll say that I'm finding my behaviors of late - eating things that do not nourish me, eating too much, not making physical activity a priority - a problem for me. For the past couple months I've been chasing a ghost of my past: the physical activity gain and my weight loss successes from before I got pregnant (much documented on this blog in latter 2010 and early 2011). As none of the strategies that worked at that time are working currently, it's time to give up the chase and find something new, to find something that will work for me now. I'm not okay with being on the precipice but I'm also not okay with, as the saying goes, trading seats on the Titanic. I don't want to become consumed with trying to lose weight in the same way that I'm currently consumed by my desire for copious amounts of food and sugar. I don't want to feel like I can never relax or have time off from being physically active in the same way that I'm currently adverse to engaging in anything active. I want to remember that food is not the enemy and that being physical enlivens me, and not feel like I have to change just because I'm standing on a precipice. But, getting there... I'll probably have to walk through all of it, bad and good, thick and thin, before any sort of balance is attained. That's just me.
And my last parting shots are thus:
I refuse to hate myself for awakening to find myself on the precipice.
I refuse to hate myself because I love food.
I refuse to hate myself for my clothes fitting tight.
And I especially refuse to hate myself because other people, whether well-meaning or full of judgement, think that I should just because I'm fat.
It's like you're standing on the precipice, and with each bite of (bad) food you're inching closer... and closer... and closer to falling off the edge into death's waiting arms.
I was reflecting on some recent conversations I've had with my friend S about being fat (we both are), and remembering an unpleasant moment I had with my mother in law in regards to green coffee extract ("I'd like to buy some for you! I saw it on Dr. Oz! It's supposed to be a miracle!"), and also thinking about my sister who died almost 10 years ago due to fat-related health issues (go ahead and call it "obesity" if you must, now that it's an official diagnosis). I wondered in my head: What, truly, is the fuss over fat people?
No doubt I've posted about this before (and am too lazy to find when I did in order to link back to it!) so I won't go on and on about it again. In a nutshell, I think that fat represents something that people don't like to look at because it reminds them of what they could be or what they have been, or it reminds them of a loved one who is fat and struggling and they wish they could save the person (but they can't). It's a little bit like the concepts of cognitive dissonance and subtle contempt that are part of anti-racism theory.
In my life I've had a lot of exposure to people who are on drugs, and to clarify I'm speaking of drugs that are considered "heavier" than alcohol and marijuana. In instances where the person on drugs was a close friend, I would feel sickened by seeing my friend high and I would almost always remove myself from watching him or her use because that was even worse. Those were times when I would sadly think, "this person is on the precipice."
I have a hard time seeing others apply that to a fat person they don't know and his/her perceived eating or health choices. A few months ago I eavesdropped on a conversation between a not-fat couple who we were seated next to in a restaurant, in which they were looking at a very fat man across the restaurant eat his burger dinner. "That is so sad. He obviously needs help," said Person A. Person B replied, "Totally. He should have ordered a salad instead of that burger. He's a heart attack waiting to happen." That's about the time I asked Honey Bunny if we could please re-seat ourselves elsewhere.
The existence of Overeaters Anonymous is also a hard one for me. On one hand, I don't understand how food can be considered an addiction when, unlike alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling and shopping, it's necessary to eat on a daily basis for survival. On the other hand, whether or not a person is considered an "addict" can sometimes be very subjective although thankfully there are documented objective characteristics of addiction, care of the American Psychological Association. There are many shades to an addiction and what constitutes an addict vs. addictive behaviors, in my opinion.
ALL of this has been rolling around in my brain lately because, unfortunately, I feel like I'm on the precipice. I'm not the type of person who openly flirts with death so I consider this more of a warning precipice. Just today I entertained the notion of going to an OA meeting, which, given what I said above about that group, should give you an indication of where my head is at. It's a good thing this article landed in my lap courtesy of a Facebook friend, for a little perspective.
I hesitate to say that what I'm going through is a "problem" because I don't want to provide more fodder for our biased culture. So instead I'll say that I'm finding my behaviors of late - eating things that do not nourish me, eating too much, not making physical activity a priority - a problem for me. For the past couple months I've been chasing a ghost of my past: the physical activity gain and my weight loss successes from before I got pregnant (much documented on this blog in latter 2010 and early 2011). As none of the strategies that worked at that time are working currently, it's time to give up the chase and find something new, to find something that will work for me now. I'm not okay with being on the precipice but I'm also not okay with, as the saying goes, trading seats on the Titanic. I don't want to become consumed with trying to lose weight in the same way that I'm currently consumed by my desire for copious amounts of food and sugar. I don't want to feel like I can never relax or have time off from being physically active in the same way that I'm currently adverse to engaging in anything active. I want to remember that food is not the enemy and that being physical enlivens me, and not feel like I have to change just because I'm standing on a precipice. But, getting there... I'll probably have to walk through all of it, bad and good, thick and thin, before any sort of balance is attained. That's just me.
And my last parting shots are thus:
I refuse to hate myself for awakening to find myself on the precipice.
I refuse to hate myself because I love food.
I refuse to hate myself for my clothes fitting tight.
And I especially refuse to hate myself because other people, whether well-meaning or full of judgement, think that I should just because I'm fat.
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