Yesterday I talked with some coworkers about the fat part of my life. Other than the profanity peppered language and end of the day blogging I try to keep things somewhat professional and private at work, so after many years I finally came out of the fat "activism" closet. I explained the concept of Healthy At Every Size (HAES), that about 10 years ago I started subscribing to the notion that a fat you might be able to do pretty much anything any-skinny-one else can do. You know, things like snowboarding, or wearing nice clothes, or falling in love, or even having a baby.
I did, in fact, have a baby... a lovely one! He's 10 months old now, super cute and sometimes super devilish, too. We're over the fat hump for the foreseeable future (I think?) but there were some dicey moments where fat did play a part in something I wanted to do but wasn't able or as able to do. Based solely on my own experience, here are some things to keep in mind if you're fat and wanting to have a kid.
Firstly, if you're fat and want to have a baby, unless there is actual, medical, factual data stating that having a baby would put you and/or the baby at risk: go for it. You should have that experience in life if you want it and your body is up for it. There might be days when naysayers lurk around every corner, whether it be a well-meaning friend or a snarky relative with the letters "MD" behind his name (who doesn't know your personal medical history)(ahem!).
On a related note, be prepared to deal with the reply of "...really?" and it's accompanying befuddled facial expression when someone asks if you have gestational diabetes and you answer, "no." There is no link between being fat and having gestational diabetes. It affects women across the board and has to do with the way the placenta and hormones develop. If you are one of the ladies who ends up developing gestational diabetes, it probably sucks big time to curtail your cravings but pregnancy is (thankfully) a temporary condition and (really, thankfully) generally GD is as well.
Here is some good news! Motherhood Maternity has super cute plus size clothes and they don't break the bank. Sure, they're cheaply made but worry not... by the time you wear 'em out, you don't need them anymore. This was news to me but you do continue to wear maternity clothing for a good several months after the baby is born. Bonus points goes to MM because of their gigantic neckholes; if you choose to breastfeed, you can whip your shirt down to expose just one teet rather than pulling the shirt up to expose your entire midsection. (In the meantime, invest in some Fashion Tape.)
Here's more good news: generally us zaftig ladies gain less weight during pregnancy than our thinner counterparts. Personally I only gained 25 lbs which was almost exactly what I had lost leading up to my pregnancy. I didn't have to even wear maternity clothing until I was almost seven months along. Most people didn't even know I was pregnant. Judging by the shocked and extremely confused expression on the face of Jadice, the tiny Vietnamese woman who does my mani-pedis, when I told her I was just two months away from having a baby I wondered if she thought my baby was being born via surrogate and I was just getting fatter.
And one last piece of good news... losing the baby weight is, again, generally, easier for us plus sized gals than it is for others. That's anecdotal evidence from myself and just a couple other ample moms I've met. In fact, my situation may have been extreme for a variety of circumstances but I lost 25+ lbs within three weeks of giving birth. If you choose to breastfeed, the amount of calories you need to eat on a daily basis to sustain it is mind-boggling. I actually referred to eating that much as a "burden" in those first few weeks after the baby was born. (Eating IS a burden if you have to choose between it and sleep. Sleep wins when you have a newborn. Food is "whatever". Trust me on this one.)
Now for the not great news. I entered parenthood thinking I would be a co-sleeping, sling-wearing, breastfeeding fool of an Attachment Parent. Unfortunately, fat can (and did, in my case) interfere with all three of those things. It's not advised that you co-sleep in the same bed if you and/or your partner are considered overweight, and it's downright verboten if you and/or your partner are considered "obese". As I am the latter, co-sleeping didn't work for our family. We opted instead for a co-sleeper attachment to the bed... a little crib thing that fastens to the side of the bed so that you're sleeping separately but in close proximity. I did co-sleep with my baby for a few naps but it wasn't super restful since I was always paranoid that my fat was going to smother him or that I'd roll over onto him and kill him with my girth. Ugh.
Sling-wearing was an interesting one. Baby hated the sling (we tried three different brands/styles) so we opted for a carrier instead, the only one that has enough belt length for a fat person to actually wear it: the Beco Gemini. Attachment folks always advocate for the Ergo carrier, which is legitimately more snuggly looking but doesn't allow for baby to front-face (a necessity with our little critter), and maybe will fit size 16 hips on a good day. There is the option of a belt extender, "at least they offer that," I say as I roll my eyes. Now, the truth of the matter is that although my Beco allows me to suit up for carrying baby, it doesn't quite sit right on me. I have a thin mommy friend who wears hers and it looks... different. It's a better fit for both her and the baby, it looks more stable and more comfortable. And lastly, the Beco allows me to wear the baby on my back too which is great in theory and doesn't actually work in reality. Baby's legs have to be splayed so far apart to fit around my midsection that it looks like his hips are going to break. It works better on Honey Bunny because he's narrower and baby's legs can wrap slightly around. Ugh.
Breastfeeding, oh breastfeeding. I thought it would be easy and natural, as most women do. It was, in fact, kind of a nightmare. I'll spare the details but my enormous jugs were too big for the baby to fit his mouth around and so I struggled with fun things like "bad latch" and the ensuing "low milk supply". In the end we settled on doing something not many women are insane enough to keep up for eight months which is breastfeeding first (using a nipple shield since we could never establish a good latch) then supplementing with formula to make up the difference (since my supply never went up due to bad latch). It was important to me to breastfeed so I did what I could for as long as possible, but the whole thing was a trying ordeal... an ordeal that very few of my thinner friends endured. Ugh.
Sidenote: breastfeeding in public when you're fat is a completely bizarre experience. Most people can't help but glance at someone who is breastfeeding because it's not the most common thing to see in our culture, but I do think the ante is upped when you're fat and have big boobs. Some people can't help but stare. You pretty much have to adopt the I-don't-give-a-fuck attitude when you do it, or, like in my case, run to the car or even go home to breastfeed because it's just too, too much to expose yourself in that way.
I also want to say that the general experience of giving birth as a fat person in a medical setting was not the most comfortable thing in the world. I don't know anyone who is super great with having hands up the hoo-haw checking cervical thinness and openness, and how far the baby has dropped into your pelvis, and blah blah blah, but personally I couldn't help but think, "oh, here we go... another medical professional gets to see my body in all its glory!" Many folks, including my zaftig doula, told me that I'd be in so much pain/focus/elation/whatever that I wouldn't care, and maybe that's true of most people. But I did care. I cared most of all when the anesthesiologist in the operating room loudly declared he wasn't going to help move a numbed out pre-cesarean me from the gurney to the operating table because he didn't want to break his back. (Scott Disick isn't the only Douche Lord out there.) My beautiful boy was born within 20 minutes of that so, yes, elation took over and I moved on from feeling like a beached whale pretty quickly.
That's it for now! Hopefully I'll get to posting a tad more often now that I'm on the other side of pregnancy.
