Back in my 20's, I was facinated by the X Games. Didn't matter if it was summer or winter. I would watch Street Luge (and did so in person once, actually, in front of SF's Cliffhouse!) with as much absorption as I watched Snocross (aka Snowmobile slalom).
My favorite, however, was watching All Things Snowboarding. I was an avid skier from ages 8-13 and wanted to pick it back up again as an adult... until snowboarding came into the picture. Then I wanted to be a snowboarder! A great one! And I would be so good at it, too! Because I also skateboarded as a kid, and had great balance!
Surely you're getting the picture here. I was an obsessed person. And given the culture on the slopes (from what I heard, anyhow, since I never actually went to the slopes at that time), skiing was out out out. Snowboarding was in and cool and would replace skiing because skiing was for old fogies.
As with many things in my 20's, my fantasy about becoming a snowboarder never materialized into reality. I blamed it on fat. After a couple hours on the slopes as a kid, I could barely pick myself up after falling because of exhaustion... how in heck was I going to pick myself up as a fat frequently-falling adult with both my feet strapped to one piece of board? And, there literally were no snowboarding (or skiing) clothes for fat people in the late 90's. Hell, when I was a kid my mom fashioned black wool pants used for adults in my dad's marching band into ski pants for me. That's how bad of an outlook it was for fat people of all ages who wanted to engage in winter sports. Thank goodness for Junonia now, for offering clothing for all types of sports to fat women.
Junonia, actually, is where Honey Bunny purchased me my Xmas present the first year we were together: a two-piece alpine jacket and black alpine pants. He took me at face value that I wanted to snowboard, god love him. Have I used them yet? No. Have I even tried them on since he gave them to me?? No. I'm still fearful of how fat will hold me back in the snowboarding venue. However... although I'm bigger than I was in my 20's, I'm much stronger now (thanks to personal training). Honey Bunny also - thankfully - believes only in private lessons. And of course, I'm much more enlightened now about how fat should never hold anyone back from what they want to do. So, what's the hold up?
This past weekend, we went up to the mountains to visit some of HB's family. While packing, he asked me - as he always does when we go to the snow - if I was going to pack my alpine clothing in case I wanted to snowboard while he went skiing. Gulp. I had a major internal struggle about what to do. Should I face down my demons and just do it??
It occured to me that, seeing as skiing is in vogue once again (yes, groan), I could just ski instead. It wouldn't be as big of a learning curve. Probably less bruising. A little safer emotionally and physically. Hmmm. This went on in my head for about 20 minutes until HB walked in the room and said, "Nevermind, I just looked at the resort's website... the snow sucks right now." Phew!
I kept thinking, though, and I realized that in my 20's I viewed snowboarding much like I viewed skydiving. It was something I had to do before I turned 30 because that would make me cool and hardcore and young. 30 came and went without doing either, so I moved the goal to 40. Thankfully by the time I turned 32 I'd decided that wanting to skydive was ridiculous, as I would have such a panic reaction just thinking about skydiving, or watching other people's skydiving videos, that I could barely breathe. Snowboarding is far from skydiving in quality, I realize, but the energy behind both was similar.
Now on the other side of 35 -- I don't need to snowboard to be cool! I'll probably do it because it looks fun, and it's good for the soul to try new things. And in the end, I'll have to face down some demons to once again try skiing... so why not just go full-tilt and try snowboarding? Why not try both skiing AND snowboarding? It will be tough no matter what, so just do it, girl!
On a last note, I must include this story that makes me laugh in retrospect. It was around the second Winter X Games I watched that a person from my school years placed in the top 5 in a snowboarding event. By "person", I mean Janelle, one of the neighborhood mean girls who made my life a living hell from ages 6 through 18. I remember jumping up off the couch and screaming (not in a good way) when I saw her name flash on the screen for her first run... and again when they interviewed her after her run... and again when I saw her name in the final results. People, I was spun on it. It was all I could talk about for at least a month, about how that bitch became a snowboarder in the X Games, and fuck her for stealing my dream. To top it off, I found an online interview of her in which she said her favorite foods were steamed vegetables and soft pretzles. My favorite foods at that time were nacho cheese sauce, nacho cheese Doritos and M&M's. Ahem. She said she had a great life and got to travel the world competing on her corporate sponsor's dime. I hated her even more because she looked uncharacteristically peaceful and sweet and like someone I would actually want to be friends with.
It took me awhile to come down from this. I was so incredibly pissed off that I didn't know what to do with myself. Eventually the memory faded and I went back to my normal life. I did think about it occasionally over the years. Now 10-ish years later, I have a good laugh over it. I was paralyzed by life at that time. Whereas I did not have the skills or resources to become an X Games competetion level snowboarder, I could have at least stepped a foot ON an actual snowboard and had some fun. Thank goodness for therapy and for a life that is (more or less!) unparalyzed now.
26 January 2009
03 January 2009
Hello, 2009!
As always, sorry for not posting in timely fashion, and I also apologize for a general lack of posting in 2008. 2008 is a year I'll never forget, and, quite honestly, it can kiss my ass goodbye.
The Wedding, getting married, being married, are all great things about 2008. So was seeing a lot of friends who live elsewhere because of (sometimes multiple) wedding festivities. Honey Bunny got his industry award, which was very awesome. Barack Obama was elected; that is off the charts wonderful. And... work didn't suck as badly? "Mamma Mia!" saved my Christmas and "Yes Man" saved my state of mind? YES, I'm reaching.
Unfortunately, for the majority of the year I dealt with panic attacks, insomnia and anxiety, and narrowly avoided a slew of anxiety-associated health problems. Most profoundly of all, I/we had to say goodbye to my best feline friend of 12 years just after Thanksgiving. We had had a major health scare with her in June but she emerged kitten-like. Shortly after my last post, she was diagnosed with the most fatal of liver cancers. It was one of the most devastating things I've ever had to endure, to witness her life come to an end and to say goodbye.
2008 was the year I should have made official Zaftig Chick t-shirts with the slogan, "What I could never have predicted was..." As in:
...that I'd develop major anxiety over planning a wedding.
...that I'd become mostly ready to become a parent.
...that I'd partially come to terms with spirituality.
...that I'd put my beautiful kitty to rest and be holding her as she exited this lifetime.
There are, of course, numerous other things I could add, mostly comprised of the daily minutia of life ("...that I'd become an instant messaging fanatic").
Anyhow, I'm trying to maintain a better attitude about 2009. I have a close friend who is in a 12-step program who routinely challenges me when I start feeling shitty about myself and life. She always asks me what my part in it is (whatever "it" may be), and then she talks to me about gratitude. I'm a cynical person, and it's not easy to take. But, she's right. If there is anything Kitty's passing taught me loud and clear, it's that life is fleeting. The old cliche comes to mind that you can either choose to see every moment in life/with someone you love/etc as a gift, or you can choose to watch it go by and be victimized by your losses. Believe me, when the grieving has more or less passed, I'm going to renew my effort to choose the former more than choosing the latter.
On that note, here's a good thing that has happened in the few short days since 2009 started. I got a tattoo today! Getting one has been a goal for about 15 years but I was always crippled by fear and stalemated by indecision about image and location on the body. When Kitty passed away, I knew immediately what my tattoo would be. A heart shape constructed of fur - in her coat colors and texture - with her first initial in cursive font located on the inside of the heart.
Of course it hurt... but nowhere near as badly as losing a best friend. I reminded myself of that many times in the couple hours it took.
For anyone who is considering a tattoo but is scared of it, I'll tell you this. I have gotten feedback from many tattooed friends over the years and the general consensus was absolutely correct: it feels like someone dragging their long-ass fingernails over your fresh, lobster-red, swollen sunburn. The thing I didn't capture from friends was that the pain spectrum is really wide.
For instance, when my artist put down the first line I was expecting it to feel so ouchy that I would howl in pain. I was gripping the table in anticipation. What it actually felt like was someone writing on me really hard with a Bic pen. Uncomfortable but nowhere near unbearable. I let go of the table and yelled out, "Oh my god, that hurts so much less than I thought it would!"
That lasted until she started doing long, curving, arching lines. Quite honestly, on certain portions of the design it felt like she was using a scalpel to draw. That was more on the unbearable end of the spectrum. Thank goodness she had to keep stopping to dip the needle into ink. The micro-breaks make it tolerable.
She also mentioned before doing the tattoo, and was quite right, that the location I'd chosen - my lower back/upper butt, north of the butt crack and off to one side - is known for discomfort. The right side of the heart shape was quite painful, whereas the left side was almost nothing. Seriously. Like, it felt like she was lightly drawing on me with a dull pencil. Why this is, I don't know. She said that that's just how it is with the body. For another person, the left could be painful while the right was nothing, or the whole thing could have been nothing, and so on and so forth.
The most common thing I'd heard about tattooing is that the outline, which uses only one needle, hurts quite a bit more than shading, in which my artist used a nine-needle machine. I would say that's partially true. The outline can be really intense but chances are the artist is only going over the area once or twice with the needle. It's intense for short bursts of time and when it's done, it's done.
When my artist started shading, it was a welcome change from the outline. It does hurt a lot less for awhile. However, at least on my design, she went over various areas several times and it started to really feel like I had a shitty sunburn that someone kept taunting over and over again... if "taunting" is having a cat knead your seriously inflamed skin with her freshly sharpened nails. Ouch! I had to take a break about 3/4 into shading. Breaks are good. There's no way I could have finished without it.
Long story short, it's over before you know it and you have art on your body and that's really awesome. I'm so glad that in 2009 I am able to mark off one of my life goals, and that it's not just a design that was arbitrarily chosen. No, it ain't the Egyptian symbol of death or anything like that, but it's deep to me. Here's hoping that I can make strides to mark another thing, or things, off my life goals list.
Happy new year!
The Wedding, getting married, being married, are all great things about 2008. So was seeing a lot of friends who live elsewhere because of (sometimes multiple) wedding festivities. Honey Bunny got his industry award, which was very awesome. Barack Obama was elected; that is off the charts wonderful. And... work didn't suck as badly? "Mamma Mia!" saved my Christmas and "Yes Man" saved my state of mind? YES, I'm reaching.
Unfortunately, for the majority of the year I dealt with panic attacks, insomnia and anxiety, and narrowly avoided a slew of anxiety-associated health problems. Most profoundly of all, I/we had to say goodbye to my best feline friend of 12 years just after Thanksgiving. We had had a major health scare with her in June but she emerged kitten-like. Shortly after my last post, she was diagnosed with the most fatal of liver cancers. It was one of the most devastating things I've ever had to endure, to witness her life come to an end and to say goodbye.
2008 was the year I should have made official Zaftig Chick t-shirts with the slogan, "What I could never have predicted was..." As in:
...that I'd develop major anxiety over planning a wedding.
...that I'd become mostly ready to become a parent.
...that I'd partially come to terms with spirituality.
...that I'd put my beautiful kitty to rest and be holding her as she exited this lifetime.
There are, of course, numerous other things I could add, mostly comprised of the daily minutia of life ("...that I'd become an instant messaging fanatic").
Anyhow, I'm trying to maintain a better attitude about 2009. I have a close friend who is in a 12-step program who routinely challenges me when I start feeling shitty about myself and life. She always asks me what my part in it is (whatever "it" may be), and then she talks to me about gratitude. I'm a cynical person, and it's not easy to take. But, she's right. If there is anything Kitty's passing taught me loud and clear, it's that life is fleeting. The old cliche comes to mind that you can either choose to see every moment in life/with someone you love/etc as a gift, or you can choose to watch it go by and be victimized by your losses. Believe me, when the grieving has more or less passed, I'm going to renew my effort to choose the former more than choosing the latter.
On that note, here's a good thing that has happened in the few short days since 2009 started. I got a tattoo today! Getting one has been a goal for about 15 years but I was always crippled by fear and stalemated by indecision about image and location on the body. When Kitty passed away, I knew immediately what my tattoo would be. A heart shape constructed of fur - in her coat colors and texture - with her first initial in cursive font located on the inside of the heart.
Of course it hurt... but nowhere near as badly as losing a best friend. I reminded myself of that many times in the couple hours it took.
For anyone who is considering a tattoo but is scared of it, I'll tell you this. I have gotten feedback from many tattooed friends over the years and the general consensus was absolutely correct: it feels like someone dragging their long-ass fingernails over your fresh, lobster-red, swollen sunburn. The thing I didn't capture from friends was that the pain spectrum is really wide.
For instance, when my artist put down the first line I was expecting it to feel so ouchy that I would howl in pain. I was gripping the table in anticipation. What it actually felt like was someone writing on me really hard with a Bic pen. Uncomfortable but nowhere near unbearable. I let go of the table and yelled out, "Oh my god, that hurts so much less than I thought it would!"
That lasted until she started doing long, curving, arching lines. Quite honestly, on certain portions of the design it felt like she was using a scalpel to draw. That was more on the unbearable end of the spectrum. Thank goodness she had to keep stopping to dip the needle into ink. The micro-breaks make it tolerable.
She also mentioned before doing the tattoo, and was quite right, that the location I'd chosen - my lower back/upper butt, north of the butt crack and off to one side - is known for discomfort. The right side of the heart shape was quite painful, whereas the left side was almost nothing. Seriously. Like, it felt like she was lightly drawing on me with a dull pencil. Why this is, I don't know. She said that that's just how it is with the body. For another person, the left could be painful while the right was nothing, or the whole thing could have been nothing, and so on and so forth.
The most common thing I'd heard about tattooing is that the outline, which uses only one needle, hurts quite a bit more than shading, in which my artist used a nine-needle machine. I would say that's partially true. The outline can be really intense but chances are the artist is only going over the area once or twice with the needle. It's intense for short bursts of time and when it's done, it's done.
When my artist started shading, it was a welcome change from the outline. It does hurt a lot less for awhile. However, at least on my design, she went over various areas several times and it started to really feel like I had a shitty sunburn that someone kept taunting over and over again... if "taunting" is having a cat knead your seriously inflamed skin with her freshly sharpened nails. Ouch! I had to take a break about 3/4 into shading. Breaks are good. There's no way I could have finished without it.
Long story short, it's over before you know it and you have art on your body and that's really awesome. I'm so glad that in 2009 I am able to mark off one of my life goals, and that it's not just a design that was arbitrarily chosen. No, it ain't the Egyptian symbol of death or anything like that, but it's deep to me. Here's hoping that I can make strides to mark another thing, or things, off my life goals list.
Happy new year!
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