Interesting

People, I'm gonna let it all hang out because I'm a fat person and sometimes that can make life complicated.

I've been experiencing hella anxiety for the past few months and have been trying to both keep it in check and examine it. One way I've done this is to get back into therapy, which has been really challenging in itself because finding a therapist you like and groove with is like trying to find the love of your life. It doesn't happen easily or often and, believe me, a shitty therapist can ruin your whole day. But, I digress.

So I'm sitting with my therapist this past week and we're creating a timeline of when I have had anxiety attacks, and how that may or may not dovetail with wedding planning, marriage planning, work crises, intense doctor visits, personal training, etc. Imagine my surprise when she says, "You know what? I think your anxiety is partially linked to working with a trainer to lose weight."

Um, what?

I'm anxious because I'm trying to lose weight? Don't most people get anxious because they are gaining it? Sure, it makes a lot of sense that I'd have "feelings" about this stuff -- I've written about it in past posts -- but I didn't realize it would inspire anxiety attacks and insomnia.

Huh. Weird! I felt relieved but, yet, more anxious.

How many times in my 35 years have I heard, "fat is emotional protection from the world"? About a zillion. I've always thought that was a load of crap because if you've ever been the fat kid in school, your fat is likely anything BUT protection. It can be a painfully obvious target for cruel people. In college I once wrote a story likening fat people to the heyoka in Lakota culture. We are unwilling clowns, symbolizing something that our society cannot easily define, deal with or face, and thus we are subjected to ridicule.

My therapist will probably bring up this point, that maybe I have been fat for my whole life because I need to self-protect. You know, I can actually buy into that now that I'm older. (But, ps, I will never accept this theory as the reason, the only reason, why someone might be fat.) More than anything, I would love a definition as to what self-protection really is. From what? From who? And why?

It's a curious thing.

The Queen, causing a rant

Get this... Queen Latifah is now shilling Jenny Craig, on the basis of being a role model for good health. Does this mean we're going to watch her whittle down, purportedly only by 10%, over the next few months? That's what her "blog" (read: ghost written piece of crap marketing material) says on the JC* website.

For starters, I find this pretty disappointing because Queen Latifah has always been a Hollywood figure I've admired. She's not really that big except in comparison to other actresses, and she's always seemed unapologetic about her size. So why now? Why Jenny Craig? Not to be bitchy, but JC is something I would expect from Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertinelli. Queen Latifah, no.

In general I have a big problem with weight loss plans that have you buying and eating the plan's own fake food. If health is what you're after, then I'm not sure that pre-made (frozen?) dinners really suit the bill. Not to mention that after you lose all that weight you want to lose... are you supposed to keep buying their food or do you venture out on your own? And if you venture out on your own, then are you counseled on how to choose and/or cook your own food? I honestly have no idea how that company works because you have to call a "Jenny Direct Consultant" to find out. (No thanks.) (Barf.)

*****
Let me take this moment to tell you about a conversation with my mom on Christmas day, and it'll put into perspective why Queen Latifah and her no-doubt lucrative Jenny Craig deal make for a particularly painful and personal titty twister. My mom actually asked me if I'd ever thought of trying JC "because those actresses have all lost a lot of weight on that plan." This is after I told her I'd been seeing a personal trainer who was helping me with both exercise and diet. Her reply to that was, "But you've been working with him for six weeks and you haven't really lost much weight."

I had a two-pronged reaction. First of all, the obvious... a lot of anger that I've endured a lifetime of hearing shit like that come out of both of my parents' mouths, that small progress is not progress enough, so on and so forth. At 35 years of age, I can forgive my mom just a little for saying something about my weight because she's worried I'm going to die just like my sister did (at 42 of a massive heart attack after having diabetes for years), and no parent wants to see that happen twice. That doesn't make this little conversation any less complicated or painful, however.

This seems to be a very common theme among mothers and daughters. Women's bodies are scrutinized to death (sometimes literally) in our culture, whether you're fat or thin, tall or short, curvy or straight, whatever. We're all fighting a war that has been more or less created by marketing, by companies trying to make money off of people who are in a vulnerable state of mind. And that brings me perfectly to my next point.

Naivety in adults. I can't stand it. (You'll have to excuse me because I've watched The X Files movie and several episodes of The Prisoner in the past week, and if that doesn't make you paranoid about the government, about power and money, who has access and who doesn't, I'm not sure what will.)

It is so important for us to question... question what we are constantly being spoon-fed by advertisements that are literally everywhere you look, question why there are candy bars next to Shape magazine at checkout stations at the grocery store, question why we pay more attention to celebrities than to what's going on in the world, and yes, question all those little messages that we got from our parents. You have to be brave enough to find your own truths in this culture. Some of us have that drive innately and some don't. I don't, and so it's always a struggle to right myself when I've been tipped off balance.

In truth, my mom absolutely did tip me off balance. I returned home from Christmas and thought, "You know, maybe she's right. Maybe I'm not losing enough weight seeing this personal trainer." This flies in the face of the very thing my trainer told me, that I should look at no more than 2-3 lbs. lost per month, to make sure my emotions and mind are in sync with what's happening with my body, to make sure it's really what I want. It took a long time to right myself on this point and in some ways, I'm still working through it.

* = Funny how Jenny Craig's initials are "JC". Like, Jesus Christ. Coincidence? Hey, I'm just saying...