Getting raw

I lost all my links because I changed the color of my blog. And all because someone told me, "Um, it's very PINK." You'd think a 33 year old woman would know to take comments preceded by "Um..." with a large grain of salt. UMMMM's are supposed to be funny, I guess. They're really just personal opinions with a pinch of criticism and belittlement.

I don't know if it's a fat thing (because I've been fat for literally 30 years now and don't know any other life), but I'm a very sensitive person and I can take things personally. It fluctuates. Sometimes I feel very strong and other people's opinions and criticisms roll off me like water off a duck's back. Other times, however...

My coworker, who is a very direct and blunt woman, once told me, "Nothing is personal. People act from their own experiences and for themselves." Which, granted, is very true. Need I even point out that my coworker telling me this was a product of confronting her about her communication style (which I perceived as condescending)?

I bring it up on this blog (the blog that I was trying to keep "light") because for me it directly relates to how vulnerable I'm feeling in my body. I feel pretty disconnected from it these days. I feel like a brain floating around in a badly-permed head, and the rest of me doesn't matter so much.

There's a deep childhood connection. I'm pretty sure I hated my body until recent years (consider this a shout-out to my [ex]therapist). I'm also pretty sure I learned that hatred from others, especially family. Anyone who grew up fat knows how much attention and criticism you get as a result of your body. When it comes directly from the people who are supposed to love and care for you, then the message is pretty darn mixed: I love you but I can also criticize you. Or worse: The way I love you is to criticize you, or, I reject you because of how you look. That shit can really wear you down to a raw nothing over the years. When you're a kid growing up, how are you supposed to know that the criticism you're receiving is not about you, but is instead about the criticizer's insecurities? Or that a concern for your health is "just" expressing itself as criticism?

This rawness I feel about my body right now is a familiar feeling. The familiar conclusion is that those around me are pointing their criticism at me because they notice my body and must comment on it. Afterall, if I'm thinking it about myself then I basically become a self-fulfilling prophesy. My childhood reaction was to retreat and be invisible. My adult reaction is to lash out, which is nominally better. At least I take care of myself enough to defend myself, even if it's from a phantom.

I'm not an Oprah fan, but two of her more successful weight-loss attempts conjure in my head as I'm writing. First, "making the connection". I've always assumed she meant "between mind and body", and I've always rejected that idea because it sounds like weight loss industry dogma. But sure, I'll admit maybe there's some truth in it.

The other Oprah sentiment is about working on and from your "core". I'm sure she thought she was being very clever with her double entendre meaning doing Pilates but also centering oneself. But again, I get it.

I think what I'm talking about is deeper than that, though. You can have a strong mind-body connection and a solid core, but if you get knocked off balance then it's pretty hard to apply those things. (Oprah herself was knocked off balance, many times!) Perhaps I'm speaking more to triggers... or in my case it feels like a domino-effect of triggers. Setting that shit back up again is really hard work and for me it always seems unfair in some way. I didn't put my body hatred there, so why should I have to fix it? Nevertheless, I do and I will.

On a last note, I'll have the links back up and running gradually. I welcome any suggestions for links and/or new link "genres" so write me if you got 'em.

ps. It's thundering and hailing like a mo-fo outside right now! What am I, in Texas?