Being The Bride

Hello, dear readers. I'm back. The wedding festivities have concluded. And I'm still zaftig!

Being the center of attention during All Things Wedding was pretty challenging. I think my Bitter Bridezilla post was really about feeling exposed, and whether or not I was acting or feeling like a bridezilla was beside the point.

Not to be all sob story but, growing up fat was pretty shitty. Right out of the gate I was set aside as "different" from everyone else and picked on relentlessly. Only made worse by the fact that I was also a totally weird kid. I mean, did you know anyone in grade school who would electively wear a homemade pirate shirt with homemade khaki canvas bloomers and a newsboy cap? Not on Halloween? Because they loved "Voyagers!" that much? [Sidenote: Jon-Erik Hexum was a total babe.] Folks, that was just the tip of the iceberg.

I was always torn in two directions... to be or not to be the center of attention. The fat kid in me wanted to hide at all costs. The weird kid in me wanted to boogie in the spotlight. The normal kid in me didn't want to be picked on for being fat or weird, she just wanted to belong.

Fast forward to Summer 2008. I had almost a year ramping up to being The Bride, littered with sleepless nights and the occasional panic attack. I always thought getting married was the thing scaring the crap out of me, and it was, but only to a certain extent. Now, after the fact, I can see I was mostly having a similar tug-o-war to the aforementioned youthful one.

The fat part of me was scared shitless to be so exposed, to be The Bride, to wear a wedding dress, to have to walk up and down the aisle in front of everyone, to be the guest of honor at three different parties, and the co-host and co-center of attention at the biggest party of all. I'm not just talking about the literal fat part of me. The emotions that come up around being The Bride after hiding and covering up for 30 odd years... that isn't just about the fat on my body. That's the mind-fuck of having been fat for a very long time. Some would even say it's the reason I'm fat to begin with (which, FYI, I'm not so quick to disagree with these days).

The fat part of me had no idea how to pick a dress, despite the fact that I love fashion and especially big fancy dresses and know, more or less, how to dress my body. Hey, remember my posts about picking the dress? Where do you think that came from? Fight, flight or freeze... I chose freeze but tried to make the best of it with whimsy.

Trying to lose weight before and for the wedding was, as my therapist often said, probably adding way too much to my already over-flowing plate. People are fat or get fat for a reason, in my opinion. It's either in a person's genetic makeup or it's a coping mechanism, and sometimes it's both. I put myself in the both category. I come from a long line of women who have giant boobs, prolific bellies and flat asses. I also come from a family with some issues, and eating through house and home was the way I dealt with it (along with being sedentary). Trying to undo all those issues and fight genetics in a 9-month period, in the midst of regular life and preparing for a wedding, was an exercise in futility. If I could do it all over again, I would still work with my personal trainer twice a week but I would have revamped my goal. Instead of it being all for the wedding, it was simply a good and solid starting point for a lifelong change in my health.

In terms of the weird part of me... I wanted to wear a big crazy stylish dress with big crazy stylish accessories amidst a big crazy stylish wedding. The weird part of me got excited at the prospect of walking down the aisle looking fab. Well, thankfully in the end we did not have a big crazy stylish wedding, despite a lot of hand-wringing on my part to make one happen. We had a down-scale and quirky wedding, which is perfect because that's who we are.

The thing that perplexes me is that being The Bride was hardest in the couple months preceding the wedding, and was not hard at all on wedding day. Being The Bride is just a set of expectations I had for myself, or rather put on myself. I always thought The Bride was lovely and glowing because she was so in love, happy, thin, beautiful, nicely dressed, reveling in being the center of attention. Given what I've written so far, can you imagine a worse scenario for my fat ego? Not to mention that when you're in your 30's, have a full time job, are paying for and coordinating your own DIY wedding, things are a little different. Yeah, I was definitely glowing because I was in love... but also because I was sweating profusely while setting up flower arrangements and rented tables and chairs in my reception hall!

Sorry, tangent. What I'm trying to say is that I had an unreasonable set of expectations for being The Bride and it made me totally miserable. I don't actually think those expectations had much or anything to do with a lifetime of fatness. I think the idea of what a bride is supposed to look and act like, leading up to and including the wedding, is ingrained in our culture.

And, all expectations aside, I had a really hard time being the guest of honor when all I'd done was fall in love and decide to get married. When I graduated from college -- dude, I loved that party because my degree was hard-earned. If I ever show a collection of my best photographs or design work -- you know I will bust out the AmEx and the champers to fete that shit with my posse. But, getting married? Seriously? I just felt kind of... lame... at the shower, bachelorette and rehearsal parties.

Wedding day, that was different. Being The Bride was natural on wedding day, genuine and not forced in any way. I forgot that I was fat and just lived and experienced, and that's the way it should be every day.