Critique

Did I ever mention I post reviews on Burritophile? Well, apparently I haven't posted since January 2007... my, how time flies, as it seems like yesterday that I was working those reviews.

At any rate, a few days ago I decided to update one of my reviews after having a fairly bad burrito experience at one of my usual haunts. I updated it, then went through and looked at the other reviews I'd done and had a good laugh. Then I decided to see what other people had said after me about a couple places that I'd reviewed. Bad idea.

I'm being honest when I say I wasn't looking for reviews that referenced my reviews. Especially if one of my reviews were referenced in a negative way. And yet, there it was.

green67 said, "don't listen to the zaftig chick (it means she's "plump" and happy with it..until someone calls her f**)".

I admit I got lathered by it. Really, really lathered. Causing me to add a parenthetical counter-insult to my original review, which green67 will likely never read or see given that s/he hasn't posted for more than a year. Yet, it made me feel better.

And then... I thought about it all the way home from work. Things that put us in a tizzy are often the things that hit closest to home. Did green67 have a good point? Am I all for the Festively Plump cause until someone calls me "fat"?

Answer: yes and no.

My therapist and I were just talking about this blog, actually. She asked if I generally talk about the good things about being fat or the bad things. I told her that, originally, I wanted this blog to be positive about the fat experience but that (naturally) it evolved into being more neutral - and more honest. My mission lately has been to talk about the good, the bad and the BFD.

I reflected on this convo with Therapist when green67 rocked my world. Originally, yes, I was a plump gal who was trying to be happy about it ("until someone called me fat"). As a blogger, it didn't take long for that focus to run its course. There were many times I was dying to write about the bullshit... like wanting to go hiking with friends but being too embarassed by my lack of fitness, like enduring a monster truck-load of frat boys driving by yelling, "I wanna get a piece of you, pig!", like finding nothing pretty or interesting to wear to my company holiday party while my thinner coworkers were donning beautiful dresses by Ann Taylor, Max Azria, or, hell, even Issac Mizrahi for Target. Eventually I had to give in and talk about that stuff, because it is part - generally a very big part - of being fat.

Another thing I mused on was whether I could think of anyone who is genuinely happy about being plump, being called fat to her face or not. The only possible person I could think of is Mo'nique, but that's only because if someone called her fat she would probably barrage the person with an earful of insults to last a lifetime. That still doesn't mean she'd be ok with being called fat.

That brings me to my next point: being called fat vs. being mocked for being fat. There's a big difference. I may have mentioned this before but I previously worked with a therapist specializing in body image. She wanted me to take back the word "fat", likening it to when gay folk took back "fag" and "queer". She encouraged me to use and think of it as a descriptor rather than a slur. Once my "fat" paradigm shifted, being called fat no longer stung as bad. As in, I'd be walking down the street and pass a group of people and would hear someone say, "Did you see that fat chick?" Instead of wanting to run and hide in shame, I thought, "Yeah, I'm a fat chick. What of it?"

Speaking of which, let me take a moment to quote Digital Underground from the song "Humpty Dance":

Hey fat girl
Yeah, I called you fat
So I'm skinny,
That never stopped me from getting busy

It took me a long time to appreciate that, believe me, but I now I do. Not to mention, that song has a great bass riff.

Anyhow, what I'm trying to say is that being called fat in that manner is quite a bit different than being called a "pig" by the truckful of rednecks. If being called fat stings a bit, then being called pig is like taking a bullet to the chest. I find that kind of behavior inexcusable. I've said a lot of catty and shitty things about people in this lifetime - it's human nature - but at least I have enough respect for humanity to not speak crap like that to the person it's about (because it's not really even about them, y'know?), let alone yell it from the safety of a passing vehicle.

In the end, I stand by my counter-insult to green67:

"I'm a zaftig chick (yes, green67, that means I'm FAT - no asterisks necessary to soften the blow - but that in no way means I deserve to be mocked by you [a fellow reviewer] and especially not by people I'm paying my hard-earned dollars to for their food, you misanthropic, prejudiced fuckwad)"

ps. Saying something insulting to someone with no provocation = not cool. Saying something insulting to someone with provocation = my gloves come off. That's not model behavior, but it's who I am.

pss. In the interest of full disclosure, since I posted this yesterday I've thought of a few instances where I said something shitty to someone proactively. If only I could take each instance back now... I hate being a hypocrite.