On being attractive

Spring semester just started at the college campus where I've worked for seven years, and prior to that attended for five. When I was single, I was always eager to check out the new crop of guys at the start of each semester. I'm coupled now and it takes a pretty special and/or hot guy to catch my eye, but I still scan. I admit it.

As I was cruising through the hallway to the restroom this afternoon, I saw a chubby schlubby indie guy talking to an obviously pretty indie girl. I was flooded with memories of pursuing that kind of dude when I was single. I always liked the obviously cute indie guys, but I pursued the chubby schlubby ones because I thought I had more of a chance. The cruel truth was that I had as little or even less of a chance than I did with the obviously cute variety. That took years to figure out. In fact, when I wrote my personal ad for Craigslist, the one that led me to Honey Bunny, I had a very hard time deciding whether to add "cute" to the list of traits I was looking for in a guy. Mostly, I felt like I didn't deserve to have "cute". Thankfully, in the end, I did include it. (Honey Bunny is hella cute!)

This "cute" thing is all about self worth. I had to feel worthy of being someone's mate in order to actually get one, and part of feeling worthy is feeling attractive. There were plenty of times when I didn't respond to personal ads that I liked, based only on the advertiser saying he was seeking someone pretty/cute/beautiful/whatever. Depending on my mood, I either thought I wasn't pretty enough, or I thought the guy was an asshole for even mentioning that he was seeking someone attractive.

Well, I was projecting when I wrote my personal ad. I didn't feel it was fair to ask for "cute" of potential suitors. But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that being attractive isn't just about physical attributes. It's largely about a state of mind, how you feel about yourself.

In the end, I included "cute" because I decided to own my own cuteness, and because I was finally able to admit that I wanted a cute boyfriend, and most importantly because I wanted a mate that felt good about himself. People of all shapes and sizes are able to feel good about themselves, and "cute" is totally subjective.

Back to Mister Chubby Schlubb (MCS)... not the guy in the hallway, but the entire genre. In retrospect, I see that those dudes either felt good about themselves and/or they didn't let the "Is she out of my league?" question plague them, and so they pursued the pretty girl. Nothing wrong with that, except that at the time it felt like some heinous joke the universe was playing on me. I thought of myself as Ms. Chubby Schlubb, thereby obliterating my chances with pretty much everyone. In retrospect, I just wish that I'd been more like the MCS's and had the worth and the nerve to pursue guys I actually found attractive -- whether they were rail thin, chubby, or whatever.