You know from my last post that I have been dealing with anxiety. It took a long time, but I finally decided to try Lexapro for it, and I had a pretty interesting experience. And yes, this does relate to The Fat Life... hang in there.
Back in the early 2000's, I was on Paxil for a year and a half for severe depression. The meds helped tremendously and I got my life back on track, and consistently gaining 5 lbs a month and almost losing my job because I loved sleep so much was worth it. Then I decided to go off the meds. And by "go off the meds", what I really mean is "suffered through six weeks of withdrawl hell."
Deciding to go on meds this time was more complicated. Taking an SSRI drug is a commitment, and I knew that fully this time around. I really didn't want to go on them but nevertheless got a presciption from the doctor and filled it. Then I let the bottle sit in my bedside stand for about a month while I thought about it. One day, after not sleeping well or at all for the previous four nights, I decided it was time.
Unfortunately, starting the meds also coincided with my getting the flu. As I laid on my sofa with a 101 degree fever for five days, I figured the unquenchable thirst, the dizziness, the wired mind, the nausea (and various other symptoms of an upset digestive tract, ahem), the not being able to sleep well, and worst of all, the unrelenting loss of appetite, was all flu related. But then again... save for some dizziness and strange sleep/dreams -- and nausea when it was stomach flu specifically -- I'd never really had those symptoms with the flu. Hmm.
I thought maybe the wired mind and lack of hunger was coming from the decongestant I was taking without eating much to compensate, yet every time I tried to make myself eat I felt like barfing. I decided to lay off the decongestant for 24 hours to get my body back on track, but it didn't help. Looking at, smelling, and/or thinking of food made me cringe.
Finally the flu left, yet the symptoms I noted above didn't. If anything, certain symptoms got worse. I was thirsty constantly, no matter how much water I drank. (Thirst like you've just worked out really hard after eating a super salty meal, and your lips are all dry, and you feel desperate to drink something, anything, you can get yours hands on.) But most notably the loss of appetite did not leave.
Honey Bunny's mom has told me a few times now about how, when her daughter died, she considered it a "gift" from her deceased daughter that she lost 20 lbs and could barely eat. I always think, Excuse me, you think it's a gift that you were so grief-stricken that you barely ate for three months? And, I have a few female coworkers who will share stories in the lunchroom of epic stomach bugs... the kind that helped them drop 5-10 lbs and/or toned their abs "without any effort whatsoever". Huh?
One of those coworkers used to be a RN and is now a trusted colleague and occasional advice nurse for me. I consulted with her about the side effects I was dealing with and I should not have been at all shocked when she said the following:
"Think of the appetite suppression as a gift from the universe! It won't last forever but in the meantime use it to kick-start a new era of health in your life. The human body can go for days without food. Just make sure you drink something with lots of vitamins, like those Nutrisystem shakes."
Okaaaaaaay. Still a trusted colleague, but probably no longer my occasional advice nurse. I might mention that she also said, during this same conversation, "When I went on anti-depressants after my son died, I actually asked for Wellbutrin specifically because it's also a weight loss drug."
Perhaps it's of note that these women are all over the age of 50. I've noticed that women of a certain age tend to think of weight loss as a permanent and, to some extent, unattainable goal. And no wonder... they've been hammered with messages from the media and society about weight loss at any cost for at least half a century.
I hung in there for as long as I could with the Lexapro but did decide to quit (for the side effects and other reasons unexplained here). After two days of no meds, I pulled my requisite yogurt and flax seed oil out of the fridge for breakfast and thought, Hey, the thought of eating this doesn't make me want to hurl, hooray!
I've dealt with loss of appetite before, like when my sister died. It was different. Food tasted like cardboard but I knew I had to eat something in order to keep going in life and that was ok with my body. Forcing myself to eat and then forcing myself to not vomit afterwards was a whole different ballgame. It was literally disturbing to me. It felt like anything but "healthy" and certainly didn't feel like a "gift".
Also, I could not stop pondering what would happen after the loss of appetite subsided, or what would happen after I went off the drug. What if I lost weight because of the drug, and then it all came back after the effect or drug left my system? How healthy is that? Sorry to be old school here, but in my opinion, and at least for people who are still mobile, there is really only one truly natural and effective manner in which to lose weight and it involves dealing with your diet and exercise habits sans pharmaceuticals or surgery.
PS. Good lord, I just noticed how many times I referenced deaths of loved ones in this post.
21 February 2008
25 January 2008
Interesting
People, I'm gonna let it all hang out because I'm a fat person and sometimes that can make life complicated.
I've been experiencing hella anxiety for the past few months and have been trying to both keep it in check and examine it. One way I've done this is to get back into therapy, which has been really challenging in itself because finding a therapist you like and groove with is like trying to find the love of your life. It doesn't happen easily or often and, believe me, a shitty therapist can ruin your whole day. But, I digress.
So I'm sitting with my therapist this past week and we're creating a timeline of when I have had anxiety attacks, and how that may or may not dovetail with wedding planning, marriage planning, work crises, intense doctor visits, personal training, etc. Imagine my surprise when she says, "You know what? I think your anxiety is partially linked to working with a trainer to lose weight."
Um, what?
I'm anxious because I'm trying to lose weight? Don't most people get anxious because they are gaining it? Sure, it makes a lot of sense that I'd have "feelings" about this stuff -- I've written about it in past posts -- but I didn't realize it would inspire anxiety attacks and insomnia.
Huh. Weird! I felt relieved but, yet, more anxious.
How many times in my 35 years have I heard, "fat is emotional protection from the world"? About a zillion. I've always thought that was a load of crap because if you've ever been the fat kid in school, your fat is likely anything BUT protection. It can be a painfully obvious target for cruel people. In college I once wrote a story likening fat people to the heyoka in Lakota culture. We are unwilling clowns, symbolizing something that our society cannot easily define, deal with or face, and thus we are subjected to ridicule.
My therapist will probably bring up this point, that maybe I have been fat for my whole life because I need to self-protect. You know, I can actually buy into that now that I'm older. (But, ps, I will never accept this theory as the reason, the only reason, why someone might be fat.) More than anything, I would love a definition as to what self-protection really is. From what? From who? And why?
It's a curious thing.
I've been experiencing hella anxiety for the past few months and have been trying to both keep it in check and examine it. One way I've done this is to get back into therapy, which has been really challenging in itself because finding a therapist you like and groove with is like trying to find the love of your life. It doesn't happen easily or often and, believe me, a shitty therapist can ruin your whole day. But, I digress.
So I'm sitting with my therapist this past week and we're creating a timeline of when I have had anxiety attacks, and how that may or may not dovetail with wedding planning, marriage planning, work crises, intense doctor visits, personal training, etc. Imagine my surprise when she says, "You know what? I think your anxiety is partially linked to working with a trainer to lose weight."
Um, what?
I'm anxious because I'm trying to lose weight? Don't most people get anxious because they are gaining it? Sure, it makes a lot of sense that I'd have "feelings" about this stuff -- I've written about it in past posts -- but I didn't realize it would inspire anxiety attacks and insomnia.
Huh. Weird! I felt relieved but, yet, more anxious.
How many times in my 35 years have I heard, "fat is emotional protection from the world"? About a zillion. I've always thought that was a load of crap because if you've ever been the fat kid in school, your fat is likely anything BUT protection. It can be a painfully obvious target for cruel people. In college I once wrote a story likening fat people to the heyoka in Lakota culture. We are unwilling clowns, symbolizing something that our society cannot easily define, deal with or face, and thus we are subjected to ridicule.
My therapist will probably bring up this point, that maybe I have been fat for my whole life because I need to self-protect. You know, I can actually buy into that now that I'm older. (But, ps, I will never accept this theory as the reason, the only reason, why someone might be fat.) More than anything, I would love a definition as to what self-protection really is. From what? From who? And why?
It's a curious thing.
21 January 2008
The Queen, causing a rant
Get this... Queen Latifah is now shilling Jenny Craig, on the basis of being a role model for good health. Does this mean we're going to watch her whittle down, purportedly only by 10%, over the next few months? That's what her "blog" (read: ghost written piece of crap marketing material) says on the JC* website.
For starters, I find this pretty disappointing because Queen Latifah has always been a Hollywood figure I've admired. She's not really that big except in comparison to other actresses, and she's always seemed unapologetic about her size. So why now? Why Jenny Craig? Not to be bitchy, but JC is something I would expect from Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertinelli. Queen Latifah, no.
In general I have a big problem with weight loss plans that have you buying and eating the plan's own fake food. If health is what you're after, then I'm not sure that pre-made (frozen?) dinners really suit the bill. Not to mention that after you lose all that weight you want to lose... are you supposed to keep buying their food or do you venture out on your own? And if you venture out on your own, then are you counseled on how to choose and/or cook your own food? I honestly have no idea how that company works because you have to call a "Jenny Direct Consultant" to find out. (No thanks.) (Barf.)
*****
Let me take this moment to tell you about a conversation with my mom on Christmas day, and it'll put into perspective why Queen Latifah and her no-doubt lucrative Jenny Craig deal make for a particularly painful and personal titty twister. My mom actually asked me if I'd ever thought of trying JC "because those actresses have all lost a lot of weight on that plan." This is after I told her I'd been seeing a personal trainer who was helping me with both exercise and diet. Her reply to that was, "But you've been working with him for six weeks and you haven't really lost much weight."
I had a two-pronged reaction. First of all, the obvious... a lot of anger that I've endured a lifetime of hearing shit like that come out of both of my parents' mouths, that small progress is not progress enough, so on and so forth. At 35 years of age, I can forgive my mom just a little for saying something about my weight because she's worried I'm going to die just like my sister did (at 42 of a massive heart attack after having diabetes for years), and no parent wants to see that happen twice. That doesn't make this little conversation any less complicated or painful, however.
This seems to be a very common theme among mothers and daughters. Women's bodies are scrutinized to death (sometimes literally) in our culture, whether you're fat or thin, tall or short, curvy or straight, whatever. We're all fighting a war that has been more or less created by marketing, by companies trying to make money off of people who are in a vulnerable state of mind. And that brings me perfectly to my next point.
Naivety in adults. I can't stand it. (You'll have to excuse me because I've watched The X Files movie and several episodes of The Prisoner in the past week, and if that doesn't make you paranoid about the government, about power and money, who has access and who doesn't, I'm not sure what will.)
It is so important for us to question... question what we are constantly being spoon-fed by advertisements that are literally everywhere you look, question why there are candy bars next to Shape magazine at checkout stations at the grocery store, question why we pay more attention to celebrities than to what's going on in the world, and yes, question all those little messages that we got from our parents. You have to be brave enough to find your own truths in this culture. Some of us have that drive innately and some don't. I don't, and so it's always a struggle to right myself when I've been tipped off balance.
In truth, my mom absolutely did tip me off balance. I returned home from Christmas and thought, "You know, maybe she's right. Maybe I'm not losing enough weight seeing this personal trainer." This flies in the face of the very thing my trainer told me, that I should look at no more than 2-3 lbs. lost per month, to make sure my emotions and mind are in sync with what's happening with my body, to make sure it's really what I want. It took a long time to right myself on this point and in some ways, I'm still working through it.
* = Funny how Jenny Craig's initials are "JC". Like, Jesus Christ. Coincidence? Hey, I'm just saying...
For starters, I find this pretty disappointing because Queen Latifah has always been a Hollywood figure I've admired. She's not really that big except in comparison to other actresses, and she's always seemed unapologetic about her size. So why now? Why Jenny Craig? Not to be bitchy, but JC is something I would expect from Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertinelli. Queen Latifah, no.
In general I have a big problem with weight loss plans that have you buying and eating the plan's own fake food. If health is what you're after, then I'm not sure that pre-made (frozen?) dinners really suit the bill. Not to mention that after you lose all that weight you want to lose... are you supposed to keep buying their food or do you venture out on your own? And if you venture out on your own, then are you counseled on how to choose and/or cook your own food? I honestly have no idea how that company works because you have to call a "Jenny Direct Consultant" to find out. (No thanks.) (Barf.)
Let me take this moment to tell you about a conversation with my mom on Christmas day, and it'll put into perspective why Queen Latifah and her no-doubt lucrative Jenny Craig deal make for a particularly painful and personal titty twister. My mom actually asked me if I'd ever thought of trying JC "because those actresses have all lost a lot of weight on that plan." This is after I told her I'd been seeing a personal trainer who was helping me with both exercise and diet. Her reply to that was, "But you've been working with him for six weeks and you haven't really lost much weight."
I had a two-pronged reaction. First of all, the obvious... a lot of anger that I've endured a lifetime of hearing shit like that come out of both of my parents' mouths, that small progress is not progress enough, so on and so forth. At 35 years of age, I can forgive my mom just a little for saying something about my weight because she's worried I'm going to die just like my sister did (at 42 of a massive heart attack after having diabetes for years), and no parent wants to see that happen twice. That doesn't make this little conversation any less complicated or painful, however.
This seems to be a very common theme among mothers and daughters. Women's bodies are scrutinized to death (sometimes literally) in our culture, whether you're fat or thin, tall or short, curvy or straight, whatever. We're all fighting a war that has been more or less created by marketing, by companies trying to make money off of people who are in a vulnerable state of mind. And that brings me perfectly to my next point.
Naivety in adults. I can't stand it. (You'll have to excuse me because I've watched The X Files movie and several episodes of The Prisoner in the past week, and if that doesn't make you paranoid about the government, about power and money, who has access and who doesn't, I'm not sure what will.)
It is so important for us to question... question what we are constantly being spoon-fed by advertisements that are literally everywhere you look, question why there are candy bars next to Shape magazine at checkout stations at the grocery store, question why we pay more attention to celebrities than to what's going on in the world, and yes, question all those little messages that we got from our parents. You have to be brave enough to find your own truths in this culture. Some of us have that drive innately and some don't. I don't, and so it's always a struggle to right myself when I've been tipped off balance.
In truth, my mom absolutely did tip me off balance. I returned home from Christmas and thought, "You know, maybe she's right. Maybe I'm not losing enough weight seeing this personal trainer." This flies in the face of the very thing my trainer told me, that I should look at no more than 2-3 lbs. lost per month, to make sure my emotions and mind are in sync with what's happening with my body, to make sure it's really what I want. It took a long time to right myself on this point and in some ways, I'm still working through it.
* = Funny how Jenny Craig's initials are "JC". Like, Jesus Christ. Coincidence? Hey, I'm just saying...
28 December 2007
Motivation & contemplation
I've been feeling a little self-conscious about my wedding dress posts (or, conversely, that I haven't posted anything else of real significance). I kept/keep going back and forth about whether those posts really relate to the general theme of the blog, but in the end I feel they really do. It's been pretty darn frustrating being a zaftig woman preparing for her wedding. You're supposed to look and feel great on your wedding day, and that includes dressing the part.
I decided early on that I didn't want an actual wedding dress and instead would opt for a floor-length bridesmaid dress. To those who have never shopped first-hand for either, that means I'll spend around $290 while someone who chooses an actual bridal dress will pay an average of $1000. Either way I still cannot believe that women who are above a certain size are expected to slap down cold, hard, final sale cash for a dress that they can't try on until it's delivered to them. Excuse my french, but it fucking boggles my mind how this can be so. And, I personally cannot pull the trigger, no matter how hard I try. I'm basically paralyzed over this decision, and my budget is "only" $350.
The other issue I've been grappling with is that the dress line I've been wanting to purchase from only goes up to size 24. Did I mention that conventional theory is that bridal and bridesmaid dresses are actually two sizes smaller than the tag reads? I'm currently a 26, meaning I would have to lose two sizes (by Feb 1st, to allow for production time) in order to fit into their 24.
So, I decided to get a personal trainer to lose those two sizes. After five weeks, I felt a million times better and stronger health-wise, but didn't have much weight loss to show for it. After much reflection, I decided that I needed a dress line that goes up to 28, and pretty much all but the dress line I mentioned above do this. I felt a lot better, a lot less anxious. I told my trainer about my decision and he was really happy. He said he wants me to be happy and healthy on my wedding day, no matter what size I am. Me, I ultimately felt it was very shallow motivation to lose weight for one dress and one day of my life.
The truth is, though, that I would like to lose weight - not just for that day, but in general - and I feel guilty about it. Part of my identity is being a zaftig chick with in interest in the social issue of fat acceptance. No one should have to lose weight in order to be happy, so why lose weight at all? Right? Well, then, why do I want to lose weight? And if I do end up losing weight, does that make me a total hypocrite? These are questions I've been pondering for seven weeks now, and make the process of personal training, losing weight, and finding motivation a lot more difficult than it already is.
The weirdest thing was when my trainer asked me what my goals were. I said, "to be healthier and stronger and hopefully to lose some weight." He replied, "'hopefully' or 'actually' lose some weight? Because I don't know that middle-ground is really going to work for you in this instance." And, he's right. Lucky for me, he's not the run of the mill gym rat trainer. He's a yoga practitioner who only trains "in the world" (meaning that we do cardio training in his quiet and hilly residential neighborhood) and in the small yoga studio in his house. I can only assume he would swap the word "motivation" for "intent", and I try to keep that in mind. Sometimes "motivation" can be a tool that I use against myself, in lots of ways.
By the way, when I picture myself as less than a size 26, I don't go too far. I fluctuated between sizes 18-22 for a really long time and I think that's where my body and I are happiest, the most balanced. My therapist used to say this... I don't think I'd be the same person if I was much less than that. Being zaftig is part of who I am.
I decided early on that I didn't want an actual wedding dress and instead would opt for a floor-length bridesmaid dress. To those who have never shopped first-hand for either, that means I'll spend around $290 while someone who chooses an actual bridal dress will pay an average of $1000. Either way I still cannot believe that women who are above a certain size are expected to slap down cold, hard, final sale cash for a dress that they can't try on until it's delivered to them. Excuse my french, but it fucking boggles my mind how this can be so. And, I personally cannot pull the trigger, no matter how hard I try. I'm basically paralyzed over this decision, and my budget is "only" $350.
The other issue I've been grappling with is that the dress line I've been wanting to purchase from only goes up to size 24. Did I mention that conventional theory is that bridal and bridesmaid dresses are actually two sizes smaller than the tag reads? I'm currently a 26, meaning I would have to lose two sizes (by Feb 1st, to allow for production time) in order to fit into their 24.
So, I decided to get a personal trainer to lose those two sizes. After five weeks, I felt a million times better and stronger health-wise, but didn't have much weight loss to show for it. After much reflection, I decided that I needed a dress line that goes up to 28, and pretty much all but the dress line I mentioned above do this. I felt a lot better, a lot less anxious. I told my trainer about my decision and he was really happy. He said he wants me to be happy and healthy on my wedding day, no matter what size I am. Me, I ultimately felt it was very shallow motivation to lose weight for one dress and one day of my life.
The truth is, though, that I would like to lose weight - not just for that day, but in general - and I feel guilty about it. Part of my identity is being a zaftig chick with in interest in the social issue of fat acceptance. No one should have to lose weight in order to be happy, so why lose weight at all? Right? Well, then, why do I want to lose weight? And if I do end up losing weight, does that make me a total hypocrite? These are questions I've been pondering for seven weeks now, and make the process of personal training, losing weight, and finding motivation a lot more difficult than it already is.
The weirdest thing was when my trainer asked me what my goals were. I said, "to be healthier and stronger and hopefully to lose some weight." He replied, "'hopefully' or 'actually' lose some weight? Because I don't know that middle-ground is really going to work for you in this instance." And, he's right. Lucky for me, he's not the run of the mill gym rat trainer. He's a yoga practitioner who only trains "in the world" (meaning that we do cardio training in his quiet and hilly residential neighborhood) and in the small yoga studio in his house. I can only assume he would swap the word "motivation" for "intent", and I try to keep that in mind. Sometimes "motivation" can be a tool that I use against myself, in lots of ways.
By the way, when I picture myself as less than a size 26, I don't go too far. I fluctuated between sizes 18-22 for a really long time and I think that's where my body and I are happiest, the most balanced. My therapist used to say this... I don't think I'd be the same person if I was much less than that. Being zaftig is part of who I am.
09 December 2007
Help me decide, Part 3
Sorry, just one more possible wedding dress before I resume regular posting on this blog!
What do you think of this one? I'm not super stoked on the rhinestones but I could make them work. I just think it's a cute dress and would look cute on me.
What do you think of this one? I'm not super stoked on the rhinestones but I could make them work. I just think it's a cute dress and would look cute on me.
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