Interesting

People, I'm gonna let it all hang out because I'm a fat person and sometimes that can make life complicated.

I've been experiencing hella anxiety for the past few months and have been trying to both keep it in check and examine it. One way I've done this is to get back into therapy, which has been really challenging in itself because finding a therapist you like and groove with is like trying to find the love of your life. It doesn't happen easily or often and, believe me, a shitty therapist can ruin your whole day. But, I digress.

So I'm sitting with my therapist this past week and we're creating a timeline of when I have had anxiety attacks, and how that may or may not dovetail with wedding planning, marriage planning, work crises, intense doctor visits, personal training, etc. Imagine my surprise when she says, "You know what? I think your anxiety is partially linked to working with a trainer to lose weight."

Um, what?

I'm anxious because I'm trying to lose weight? Don't most people get anxious because they are gaining it? Sure, it makes a lot of sense that I'd have "feelings" about this stuff -- I've written about it in past posts -- but I didn't realize it would inspire anxiety attacks and insomnia.

Huh. Weird! I felt relieved but, yet, more anxious.

How many times in my 35 years have I heard, "fat is emotional protection from the world"? About a zillion. I've always thought that was a load of crap because if you've ever been the fat kid in school, your fat is likely anything BUT protection. It can be a painfully obvious target for cruel people. In college I once wrote a story likening fat people to the heyoka in Lakota culture. We are unwilling clowns, symbolizing something that our society cannot easily define, deal with or face, and thus we are subjected to ridicule.

My therapist will probably bring up this point, that maybe I have been fat for my whole life because I need to self-protect. You know, I can actually buy into that now that I'm older. (But, ps, I will never accept this theory as the reason, the only reason, why someone might be fat.) More than anything, I would love a definition as to what self-protection really is. From what? From who? And why?

It's a curious thing.