Motivation & contemplation

I've been feeling a little self-conscious about my wedding dress posts (or, conversely, that I haven't posted anything else of real significance). I kept/keep going back and forth about whether those posts really relate to the general theme of the blog, but in the end I feel they really do. It's been pretty darn frustrating being a zaftig woman preparing for her wedding. You're supposed to look and feel great on your wedding day, and that includes dressing the part.

I decided early on that I didn't want an actual wedding dress and instead would opt for a floor-length bridesmaid dress. To those who have never shopped first-hand for either, that means I'll spend around $290 while someone who chooses an actual bridal dress will pay an average of $1000. Either way I still cannot believe that women who are above a certain size are expected to slap down cold, hard, final sale cash for a dress that they can't try on until it's delivered to them. Excuse my french, but it fucking boggles my mind how this can be so. And, I personally cannot pull the trigger, no matter how hard I try. I'm basically paralyzed over this decision, and my budget is "only" $350.

The other issue I've been grappling with is that the dress line I've been wanting to purchase from only goes up to size 24. Did I mention that conventional theory is that bridal and bridesmaid dresses are actually two sizes smaller than the tag reads? I'm currently a 26, meaning I would have to lose two sizes (by Feb 1st, to allow for production time) in order to fit into their 24.

So, I decided to get a personal trainer to lose those two sizes. After five weeks, I felt a million times better and stronger health-wise, but didn't have much weight loss to show for it. After much reflection, I decided that I needed a dress line that goes up to 28, and pretty much all but the dress line I mentioned above do this. I felt a lot better, a lot less anxious. I told my trainer about my decision and he was really happy. He said he wants me to be happy and healthy on my wedding day, no matter what size I am. Me, I ultimately felt it was very shallow motivation to lose weight for one dress and one day of my life.

The truth is, though, that I would like to lose weight - not just for that day, but in general - and I feel guilty about it. Part of my identity is being a zaftig chick with in interest in the social issue of fat acceptance. No one should have to lose weight in order to be happy, so why lose weight at all? Right? Well, then, why do I want to lose weight? And if I do end up losing weight, does that make me a total hypocrite? These are questions I've been pondering for seven weeks now, and make the process of personal training, losing weight, and finding motivation a lot more difficult than it already is.

The weirdest thing was when my trainer asked me what my goals were. I said, "to be healthier and stronger and hopefully to lose some weight." He replied, "'hopefully' or 'actually' lose some weight? Because I don't know that middle-ground is really going to work for you in this instance." And, he's right. Lucky for me, he's not the run of the mill gym rat trainer. He's a yoga practitioner who only trains "in the world" (meaning that we do cardio training in his quiet and hilly residential neighborhood) and in the small yoga studio in his house. I can only assume he would swap the word "motivation" for "intent", and I try to keep that in mind. Sometimes "motivation" can be a tool that I use against myself, in lots of ways.

By the way, when I picture myself as less than a size 26, I don't go too far. I fluctuated between sizes 18-22 for a really long time and I think that's where my body and I are happiest, the most balanced. My therapist used to say this... I don't think I'd be the same person if I was much less than that. Being zaftig is part of who I am.

Help me decide, Part 3

Sorry, just one more possible wedding dress before I resume regular posting on this blog!

What do you think of this one? I'm not super stoked on the rhinestones but I could make them work. I just think it's a cute dress and would look cute on me.

Help me decide, Part 2

A hearty THANK YOU to the folks who posted comments on my previous post - very helpful! But, eh, can I throw another dress into the mix?

I found this one completely by accident. I was perusing the Real Weddings page on the Watters website, and came across pics of bridesmaids from Erin's wedding.

See the woman on the far left? She is by no means zaftig but does have more padded features than the other ladies pictured. I think Wtoo #532 might do a zaftig chick justice. And yes, I would get it in floor length and perhaps in Sky Blue.

Likey?

Help me decide

This is slightly off the topic, but I'm having one hell of a time trying to decide what wedding dress to wear. Want to help point me in the right direction?

First off, you should know that I'm not going to be a traditional bride. For almost my whole life, I've known that I want a dress that either has strong color accents on it, or is itself a color other than white or ivory. If the right dress was more lovely in white or ivory, I'd do it, but for now I'm really feeling like having a dress in color. I think I'd rather look like I was walking down the red carpet than down the aisle.

Also, please note that I will not be wearing a veil, but will have my freshly red longish hair down and curled with stephanotis blossoms dotted in it. (An idea totally ripped from the last scenes of "Wedding Crashers", Isla Fisher's hair.) And of course, most importantly, I'm a zaftig chick. It's hard to pick a dress when they're all shown on non-zaftig models.

Here are my top choices:

This one from Sydney's Closet in Periwinkle or Burgundy. (Note that color swatches on this website are about 1-2 shades darker than they are in person.) Periwinkle, which is close to one of the colors for the wedding, would be a take on a more traditionally light-colored dress but it's still a color and I love love love pretty much any shade of blue. Burgundy is strong and would be a statement. My mother will probably have a hissy, but it's my wedding and I'll be the scarlet woman if I want to.

This one, also from Sydney's Closet, in Capri or Heather. Capri is one of the most beautiful blues I've ever seen. Heather is just plain pretty, and I've always loved shades of purple.

And lastly, this one from Wtoo. No freakin clue what color because I haven't seen the color swatches in person yet.

Post a comment if you've got an opinion!

Kick-ass jeans

Lane Bryant may be cancelling their bridal line, starting with the dress I wanted to wear for my wedding next year (le sigh)... but I have to say I'm digging this Right Fit thing!

Firmly in Yellow territory [straight from waist to hip], LB's previous lines of jeans - which their marketing says was based on the Blue model [curvy from waist to hip] - never really fit me in the way that I'd hoped for. In fact, I do believe there are previous posts on this blog ranting about how jeans often look like riding jodphers on me.

(FYI - there is a third color/type. LB split the difference between Yellow and Blue, to create Red, which is moderately curvy from waist to hip.)

Right Fit Yellow's are so snugly fitting around my hips that at first I didn't know what to do with myself. After a couple years enduring quasi-jodphers, correctly fitting jeans looked downright weird on my body. You could even say... flattering. Seriously? Seriously! Gasp.

LB not only has their standard jean collection (Classic, Bootcut, Flare) in Right Fit, but also offers their universal work pant, the Houston. I got a pair in the mail yesterday and almost started to cry - in the good way. Do you know how many times I've put on work pants and started to cry tears of frustration and defeat? I don't need to mimic thin girls in their perfectly fitting, perfectly pressed, wide-leg trousers from Express, but I would rather die than show up to work in the equivalent of too short, pleated-waist, peg-legged rayon pants. I don't care if the tag says "has flared leg", there's something about my body that has always made work pants look peg-legged on me.

If you're wanting to buy Right Fit online because there are no LB stores in your neck of the woods, here are a few tips. Firstly, lengths are a little funky. I have the Petite Bootcut and Flare which both ran longer than past Petite models at LB. If you're generally halfway between a Petite and Average (like me!), go with the Petite and it'll be perfect. However, the Petite Houstons I bought were way shorter than any Petite jean or pant I've ever tried at LB. So, go with Average unless you usually have to get your Petites hemmed.

Second, and this isn't specific to LB or Right Fit, I find that Bootcut is now more Straight Leg, and Flare is like a fuller version of Bootcut. I put my Bootcuts on and, being a tried and true fan of Flares, really had to spend some time getting used to how they looked, especially with some of my tops and shoes. If you're a "true" Bootcut fan, I would recommend going for the Flare instead.

And lastly, I found that the fabrics between Bootcut and Flare were very different. Flare in Blue/Black Denim has a much thinner and stretchier texture, and I find them very comfy for moving around in. Bootcut in Dark Rinse Denim has a really lovely polished texture, so much so that they could be substituted for khakis at work. Sorry to say but I haven't investigated the lighter finishes since I'm always scouting for nicer denim for work purposes.

Go forth and conquer the denim world!

ps. Sorry for not writing for so long... I promise to post more often!