Awkwardness

Over the weekend, Honey Bunny and I went to a big, big family dinner at his uncle's house. The reason for this particular fete? His cousin from Australia - I'll call him Harry - was in the US for a medical conference last week and decided to pass through San Francisco to see family on his way back.

Harry is a Bariatric surgeon. Yeah. Awkward. I'm far from being the only overweight relative in the bunch, but I don't think anyone else could pass for "obese".

There are lots of doctors and surgeons in HB's family, and the sidebars at family dinners are often about medical topics. Katie will ask why her cholestorol medication makes her face flush, Norman will show how he twisted his knee last night at his baseball game, and Honey Bunny will ask for advice on how to lower his uric acid level. You get the picture.

And, this is not the first time Harry has been in the US for conferences and such. One time he was in the Bay Area for two weeks doing a mini-internship under a supposedly famous Bariatric surgeon. I endured several family and two-on-one dinners with Harry during that time. And, I do mean "endure" as I always felt painfully self-conscious about what I was eating and how much, and what was being discussed at the dinner table and in what depth.

So what made this time different than any other? Firstly, I decided not to bother myself with the usual self-conscious thought routine. All previous occasions when I've spent time with Harry, it was met with hand-wringing for days prior, and a pep talk about how, if the subject of his work came up, I would hammer home my opinions about weight, obesity, and surgery as a means to accomplish weight loss. In other words I spent the days leading up to, and the actual visit, in defensive mode. I have to add that the subject of his work never came up, and so Harry doesn't know jack about my stance on living a fat life.

In fact... Harry doesn't know jack about me in general! I'm not going to out HB's family background, but I will say they come from "the old world". Unfortunately, I have to report that, in this family at least, women are not exactly included in conversations about anything other than cooking and god (and medical advice, as appropriate and necessary). Harry is no exception, and in fact I would say he's one of the worst. He'll talk the ears off any male family member, but where women are concerned there is a polite handshake and "How are you these days?" and that's about it. Point #2: Zaftig Chick needs to lay off the paranoia/narcissism and realize that the distance isn't necessarily about her!

I felt ready and steady to meet Harry this time around, but it was still awkward in the moment. I asked him what brought him to the states this time, and he very, very awkwardly told me he attended an obesity conference in Dallas, where he learned more about a specific procedure that he likes to perform. Ick. Thankfully the conversation veered quickly to Texas and how hot it is there, and he and HB were off and running. I politely excused myself to get a glass of water. Sometimes awkward conversations about awkward topics with awkward people happen in life, and sometimes you have to endure them. But, sometimes you don't. Harry is family and so I will always find a way to be genuinely polite to him, but there's no reason I should stand there and endure anything more than the routine niceties.

This is something I'm learning in general in life right now. Sometimes you have to take it, and sometimes you don't. And if you don't, then why waste your time with it? I don't mean that in a bitchy way. A waste of time can be as simple as playing one too many games of Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook, or as complicated as putting effort into a fruitless relationship.

Also, I don't think that the distasteful actions of a person constitutes a reason to hate them. Harry has chosen a profession which is meaningful to him in a way that I don't get, and maybe someday I'll ask him for clarification on that. I've spent a lot of time in life lumping folks into two categories: good or bad. Thankfully I can see a lot of shades of grey now. Afterall, Harry is a terrific backgammon player (beats me and everyone else in the room, every single time) who seems to have a very genuine affinity for Honey Bunny. He has strengths, just like everyone else. He has deficits, just like everyone else. And I'm allowed to have an opinion about him, but I don't know that it need end in stern judgement.