Snowboarding

Back in my 20's, I was facinated by the X Games. Didn't matter if it was summer or winter. I would watch Street Luge (and did so in person once, actually, in front of SF's Cliffhouse!) with as much absorption as I watched Snocross (aka Snowmobile slalom).

My favorite, however, was watching All Things Snowboarding. I was an avid skier from ages 8-13 and wanted to pick it back up again as an adult... until snowboarding came into the picture. Then I wanted to be a snowboarder! A great one! And I would be so good at it, too! Because I also skateboarded as a kid, and had great balance!

Surely you're getting the picture here. I was an obsessed person. And given the culture on the slopes (from what I heard, anyhow, since I never actually went to the slopes at that time), skiing was out out out. Snowboarding was in and cool and would replace skiing because skiing was for old fogies.

As with many things in my 20's, my fantasy about becoming a snowboarder never materialized into reality. I blamed it on fat. After a couple hours on the slopes as a kid, I could barely pick myself up after falling because of exhaustion... how in heck was I going to pick myself up as a fat frequently-falling adult with both my feet strapped to one piece of board? And, there literally were no snowboarding (or skiing) clothes for fat people in the late 90's. Hell, when I was a kid my mom fashioned black wool pants used for adults in my dad's marching band into ski pants for me. That's how bad of an outlook it was for fat people of all ages who wanted to engage in winter sports. Thank goodness for Junonia now, for offering clothing for all types of sports to fat women.

Junonia, actually, is where Honey Bunny purchased me my Xmas present the first year we were together: a two-piece alpine jacket and black alpine pants. He took me at face value that I wanted to snowboard, god love him. Have I used them yet? No. Have I even tried them on since he gave them to me?? No. I'm still fearful of how fat will hold me back in the snowboarding venue. However... although I'm bigger than I was in my 20's, I'm much stronger now (thanks to personal training). Honey Bunny also - thankfully - believes only in private lessons. And of course, I'm much more enlightened now about how fat should never hold anyone back from what they want to do. So, what's the hold up?

This past weekend, we went up to the mountains to visit some of HB's family. While packing, he asked me - as he always does when we go to the snow - if I was going to pack my alpine clothing in case I wanted to snowboard while he went skiing. Gulp. I had a major internal struggle about what to do. Should I face down my demons and just do it??

It occured to me that, seeing as skiing is in vogue once again (yes, groan), I could just ski instead. It wouldn't be as big of a learning curve. Probably less bruising. A little safer emotionally and physically. Hmmm. This went on in my head for about 20 minutes until HB walked in the room and said, "Nevermind, I just looked at the resort's website... the snow sucks right now." Phew!

I kept thinking, though, and I realized that in my 20's I viewed snowboarding much like I viewed skydiving. It was something I had to do before I turned 30 because that would make me cool and hardcore and young. 30 came and went without doing either, so I moved the goal to 40. Thankfully by the time I turned 32 I'd decided that wanting to skydive was ridiculous, as I would have such a panic reaction just thinking about skydiving, or watching other people's skydiving videos, that I could barely breathe. Snowboarding is far from skydiving in quality, I realize, but the energy behind both was similar.

Now on the other side of 35 -- I don't need to snowboard to be cool! I'll probably do it because it looks fun, and it's good for the soul to try new things. And in the end, I'll have to face down some demons to once again try skiing... so why not just go full-tilt and try snowboarding? Why not try both skiing AND snowboarding? It will be tough no matter what, so just do it, girl!

On a last note, I must include this story that makes me laugh in retrospect. It was around the second Winter X Games I watched that a person from my school years placed in the top 5 in a snowboarding event. By "person", I mean Janelle, one of the neighborhood mean girls who made my life a living hell from ages 6 through 18. I remember jumping up off the couch and screaming (not in a good way) when I saw her name flash on the screen for her first run... and again when they interviewed her after her run... and again when I saw her name in the final results. People, I was spun on it. It was all I could talk about for at least a month, about how that bitch became a snowboarder in the X Games, and fuck her for stealing my dream. To top it off, I found an online interview of her in which she said her favorite foods were steamed vegetables and soft pretzles. My favorite foods at that time were nacho cheese sauce, nacho cheese Doritos and M&M's. Ahem. She said she had a great life and got to travel the world competing on her corporate sponsor's dime. I hated her even more because she looked uncharacteristically peaceful and sweet and like someone I would actually want to be friends with.

It took me awhile to come down from this. I was so incredibly pissed off that I didn't know what to do with myself. Eventually the memory faded and I went back to my normal life. I did think about it occasionally over the years. Now 10-ish years later, I have a good laugh over it. I was paralyzed by life at that time. Whereas I did not have the skills or resources to become an X Games competetion level snowboarder, I could have at least stepped a foot ON an actual snowboard and had some fun. Thank goodness for therapy and for a life that is (more or less!) unparalyzed now.