First-Ever Plus-Size Fashion Show Hits NYC Fashion Week!
http://stylenews.peoplestylewatch.com/2010/09/16/first-ever-plus-size-show-hits-fashion-week/
Congrats and thanks to OneStopPlus for making it happen!
16 September 2010
21 August 2010
Bay Area Zaftig Chick Social Club
For any of you who live in the Bay Area and want to join me in my new Meetup social club, click here:
Bay Area Zaftig Chick Social Club
Accepting new members, and anyone is welcome as long as you are a zaftig chick or a friend/fan of one!
Bay Area Zaftig Chick Social Club
Accepting new members, and anyone is welcome as long as you are a zaftig chick or a friend/fan of one!
20 August 2010
Enjoyable vs. joyless
I've been thinking a lot lately about things that are enjoyable and things that aren't. This is in part due to my two-week staycation in late July, where I pressed the pause button on work and really tried to just enjoy l-i-v-i-n. The most vivid result of blogging about my vacation was seeing how much of it revolved around food and how food selection and eating has the power to make me feel great or to make me feel like shit.
Take, for instance, a dinner I had last weekend at Dosa with a couple of female friends I'd made online but hadn't yet met in person. It was Awkward, capital A, as "blind dates" can often be. I was dining with these women as an effort to make new friends where I live, people to possibly hang out with. What the experience taught me is that joyful eating is a fairly intimate act for me. Dosa is currently one of my faves and eating there, until now, has been awesome. If I'm with close friends or with Honey Bunny, I can let it all hang out. I can close my eyes while I hum about how yummy that bite was. I can give my true preferences for dishes I'd like to share (or not share, as the case may be). I can eat the whole thing if I want to. On my blind date, I didn't feel as though I could do any of that because the level of intimacy wasn't there. Along with the awkwardness of the conversation etc, I may as well have been chewing on curry-flavored cardboard. It was joyless. I'd been looking so forward to eating there, too.
In stark contrast, at least in retrospect, was how I viewed food intake while on vacation. I ate casually and not on a set schedule or with a set menu like I do when I'm going to work. I had the time to ask myself, What sounds good today? Because I was dutifully trying to stay busy by going out in the world and doing fun things, I actually thought about food less. As I began each day I had time and space to actually think through what I wanted, and obtain it, and enjoy it, and then move on. The issue of food was taken off the table (no pun intended!) in this way.
I'm a girl who loves good food. I don't think that will ever change, even if I lose weight someday. In fact, I'll go so far as to say, I don't want it to change. In my version of the world, food should be enjoyable and satisfying. (At least to those of us who enjoy food; I know there are some folks who just don't and never have, and that's fine, too). And, I surmise that by giving into indulgences as they came up, it actually made me much less likely to need indulgences every single day, or to mindlessly eat.
In the end, I felt terrific. I'll cop to the fact that I formally worked out just once in those two weeks of vacation (with an additional smattering of brisk walks with Honey Bunny) but by the end of it I actually felt like I lost weight. I don't care if I even did lose weight or not; my state of mind was the important thing. I didn't trip out on the indulgences I did go for.
Since returning to work, I feel like it's all sliding downhil again. I work hard to eat a really nice and balanced breakfast before work, but that's about all I can say for healthy eating. I've managed to mostly stay away from the Snack Closet of Doom (that which contains Halloween size chocolate and candy for our work events, among other snacks), which is good. I've tried to think about getting a nice and balanced lunch but the reality of work is that there is often not time or space to do so. I also have a horrible habit of eating at my computer, where I am all day long as it is, so that I can Facebook and read blogs unabashedly. It would probably serve me well to get away and be in the moment with my lunch.
One good habit I implemented upon my return to work is a fruit plate next to my computer. Every Monday I bring, or go get, five pieces of fresh, tasty looking fruit for my fruit plate, which is there to satisfy afternoon sweet-tooth cravings. It's no chocolate, that's for sure, but right now the stone fruit is super good and I'm always surprised at how yummy it can be. My rule is that I eat a piece of fruit first and if I'm still dying for chocolate, I'm allowed to get ONE piece of dark chocolate from the Snack Closet. I know that sounds restrictive but I had to find a way to stay out of that closet. It's a mindless eating nightmare waiting to happen.
Something else that came up for examination during my vacation was my relationship with Yoga Trainer. Summer is always his busiest time for travel and so he's gone a lot and I end up falling off the exercise wagon partially as a result of that. I had a conversation with my sporty friend The Mirthmaker about Yoga Trainer and how I've been feeling less and less satisfied with his services. I'd not told her many particulars about YT over the past two and a half years that I've been working with him, but I really went there during this conversation. Remember the intervention? I told her about that and she gasped, put her hand over her mouth and then asked me how the hell I could have ever returned. Likewise when I told her about the time I was choking for breath while having a total emotional meltdown during a hardcore walk with him and he pointedly asked me, "Do you want to die like your sister did?" The Mirthmaker is, herself, a fan of boot camp style exercise and so it took me by surprise that she was surprised. My feeling about these - and other, perhaps more minor - instances with YT is that it was probably something I "needed" to hear in order to motivate me. But did it? Obviously not.
It's a long story and I'm not going to go there (yet) on this blog about my issues with outspoken people (read it on the other blog if so inclined), but needless to say Yoga Trainer is someone I deem "outspoken". I've also admitted to myself that he is pretty darn egotistical and has little to no interest in hearing or working with my side of the story, what I think will motivate me, what I think is best for myself. Talk about joyless. Hey, I think that YT is a fundamentally good person, I've learned some great stuff from him in terms of staying in a positive headspace and deep breathing, and there have been plenty of times I've enjoyed myself during our sessions when he's taken a more nurturing approach. We've reached the tipping point is all. He is gone again for another month to travel, and upon his return I've told Honey Bunny that I'm willing to train together with YT once a week max, or maybe not at all, but otherwise I'll be finding a new and female trainer to work with. Let's hope it sticks this time, eh? My real hope, though, is that it will be enjoyable and fulfilling no matter what the outcome.
Speaking of training and losing weight, I've been meaning to post a review or at least mention the TV show Huge. Admittedly I was very tentative about watching. Being on ABC Family meant it could go down a judgemental road real quick. But, I'm pleasantly surprised and it's actually become one of my favorite shows of the season. I feel like it does a good job of making the characters multi-dimensional, that no one person is bad or good, right or wrong. Everyone has feelings and motivations, both fat and thin. I think Nikki Blonsky is doing a great job as main character Will, a girl so incensed by her parents sending her to fat camp, and by society's pressure to be thin and girly, that she's vowed to gain weight while there. I'm also loving Raven Goodwin as Becca, the character I most personally identify with. The show is based on the book by Sasha Paley, which I have yet to read but really looking forward to it. Check out the show if you can!
Take, for instance, a dinner I had last weekend at Dosa with a couple of female friends I'd made online but hadn't yet met in person. It was Awkward, capital A, as "blind dates" can often be. I was dining with these women as an effort to make new friends where I live, people to possibly hang out with. What the experience taught me is that joyful eating is a fairly intimate act for me. Dosa is currently one of my faves and eating there, until now, has been awesome. If I'm with close friends or with Honey Bunny, I can let it all hang out. I can close my eyes while I hum about how yummy that bite was. I can give my true preferences for dishes I'd like to share (or not share, as the case may be). I can eat the whole thing if I want to. On my blind date, I didn't feel as though I could do any of that because the level of intimacy wasn't there. Along with the awkwardness of the conversation etc, I may as well have been chewing on curry-flavored cardboard. It was joyless. I'd been looking so forward to eating there, too.
In stark contrast, at least in retrospect, was how I viewed food intake while on vacation. I ate casually and not on a set schedule or with a set menu like I do when I'm going to work. I had the time to ask myself, What sounds good today? Because I was dutifully trying to stay busy by going out in the world and doing fun things, I actually thought about food less. As I began each day I had time and space to actually think through what I wanted, and obtain it, and enjoy it, and then move on. The issue of food was taken off the table (no pun intended!) in this way.
I'm a girl who loves good food. I don't think that will ever change, even if I lose weight someday. In fact, I'll go so far as to say, I don't want it to change. In my version of the world, food should be enjoyable and satisfying. (At least to those of us who enjoy food; I know there are some folks who just don't and never have, and that's fine, too). And, I surmise that by giving into indulgences as they came up, it actually made me much less likely to need indulgences every single day, or to mindlessly eat.
In the end, I felt terrific. I'll cop to the fact that I formally worked out just once in those two weeks of vacation (with an additional smattering of brisk walks with Honey Bunny) but by the end of it I actually felt like I lost weight. I don't care if I even did lose weight or not; my state of mind was the important thing. I didn't trip out on the indulgences I did go for.
Since returning to work, I feel like it's all sliding downhil again. I work hard to eat a really nice and balanced breakfast before work, but that's about all I can say for healthy eating. I've managed to mostly stay away from the Snack Closet of Doom (that which contains Halloween size chocolate and candy for our work events, among other snacks), which is good. I've tried to think about getting a nice and balanced lunch but the reality of work is that there is often not time or space to do so. I also have a horrible habit of eating at my computer, where I am all day long as it is, so that I can Facebook and read blogs unabashedly. It would probably serve me well to get away and be in the moment with my lunch.
One good habit I implemented upon my return to work is a fruit plate next to my computer. Every Monday I bring, or go get, five pieces of fresh, tasty looking fruit for my fruit plate, which is there to satisfy afternoon sweet-tooth cravings. It's no chocolate, that's for sure, but right now the stone fruit is super good and I'm always surprised at how yummy it can be. My rule is that I eat a piece of fruit first and if I'm still dying for chocolate, I'm allowed to get ONE piece of dark chocolate from the Snack Closet. I know that sounds restrictive but I had to find a way to stay out of that closet. It's a mindless eating nightmare waiting to happen.
Something else that came up for examination during my vacation was my relationship with Yoga Trainer. Summer is always his busiest time for travel and so he's gone a lot and I end up falling off the exercise wagon partially as a result of that. I had a conversation with my sporty friend The Mirthmaker about Yoga Trainer and how I've been feeling less and less satisfied with his services. I'd not told her many particulars about YT over the past two and a half years that I've been working with him, but I really went there during this conversation. Remember the intervention? I told her about that and she gasped, put her hand over her mouth and then asked me how the hell I could have ever returned. Likewise when I told her about the time I was choking for breath while having a total emotional meltdown during a hardcore walk with him and he pointedly asked me, "Do you want to die like your sister did?" The Mirthmaker is, herself, a fan of boot camp style exercise and so it took me by surprise that she was surprised. My feeling about these - and other, perhaps more minor - instances with YT is that it was probably something I "needed" to hear in order to motivate me. But did it? Obviously not.
It's a long story and I'm not going to go there (yet) on this blog about my issues with outspoken people (read it on the other blog if so inclined), but needless to say Yoga Trainer is someone I deem "outspoken". I've also admitted to myself that he is pretty darn egotistical and has little to no interest in hearing or working with my side of the story, what I think will motivate me, what I think is best for myself. Talk about joyless. Hey, I think that YT is a fundamentally good person, I've learned some great stuff from him in terms of staying in a positive headspace and deep breathing, and there have been plenty of times I've enjoyed myself during our sessions when he's taken a more nurturing approach. We've reached the tipping point is all. He is gone again for another month to travel, and upon his return I've told Honey Bunny that I'm willing to train together with YT once a week max, or maybe not at all, but otherwise I'll be finding a new and female trainer to work with. Let's hope it sticks this time, eh? My real hope, though, is that it will be enjoyable and fulfilling no matter what the outcome.
Speaking of training and losing weight, I've been meaning to post a review or at least mention the TV show Huge. Admittedly I was very tentative about watching. Being on ABC Family meant it could go down a judgemental road real quick. But, I'm pleasantly surprised and it's actually become one of my favorite shows of the season. I feel like it does a good job of making the characters multi-dimensional, that no one person is bad or good, right or wrong. Everyone has feelings and motivations, both fat and thin. I think Nikki Blonsky is doing a great job as main character Will, a girl so incensed by her parents sending her to fat camp, and by society's pressure to be thin and girly, that she's vowed to gain weight while there. I'm also loving Raven Goodwin as Becca, the character I most personally identify with. The show is based on the book by Sasha Paley, which I have yet to read but really looking forward to it. Check out the show if you can!
25 June 2010
Harry Potter and the Forbidden Scale
I'm a "Pott-head" and have been jacked up about checking out the "Harry Potter and the Wizarding World" attraction at Universal Orlando since the second I got wind of it. My sister (and sister Pott-head) and I even tentatively planned to go check it out this December, when the weather sucks in coastal California and rules in Florida.
Well... looks like I probably won't fit on one of the rides.
Correction: I probably won't fit on the most super awesome ride of the whole place.
Ugh!!
Of course, having seen my eldest sister ejected from a ride at Disneyland for being too fat - this was when I was a teenager - I'm keenly aware of the size and weight limitations that can come with theme park rides. Honey Bunny and I went to Disneyland for part of our honeymoon and I spent the days leading up to our visit fretting away, wringing hands, rending garments and all. I remember being in queue for Space Mountain and telling Honey Bunny, "If I can't fit, I'll jump out and you should just go without me!" I didn't want him to miss the fun of a ride he'd never been on before, even if I was crying my eyes out in embarassment in the nearest bathroom. It didn't turn out that way, thankfully... I fit in all but one of the rides at both Disneyland and California Adventure. (It was the orange-themed wave swinger that seems to no longer exist at CA, in case you were wondering.)
Not fitting in the seats at Universal Orlando has definitely crossed my mind, but I still found the news about Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey's size limitations a bit shocking. More shocking still is some of the response from fans. Pott-heads are so desperate to get on this ride that they're willing to mount personal weight loss goals! Check out one Banks Lee.
I have to admit that when I started reading his blog I was fully against the notion of losing weight for the sole reason of fitting on a theme park ride. Where are all my brothers and sisters calling out the Universal sizeists here??
Banks Lee is an affable character, though, and quickly won me over. His motivation is pure and simple... and therein lies the (hor)crux of a big issue for me.
Motivation. It's something I can't easily identify and never think to use as a true aid for myself. I've talked previously about wanting (and needing) to lose weight (and having really conflicted feelings about it). I've tried to set a goal and stick to it, to no avail. Whatever temporary motivation I use to start working towards the goal eventually leaves me, and thus leaves me feeling purposeless. Needing to shift one's motivation over time to suit on-going and changing needs is natural, actually, but doesn't come naturally to me. I have to applaud Banks for setting a measurable and attainable goal of losing enough weight to get on the ride. He has a sense of purpose with a cool reward waiting for him at the finish line.
It had me wondering if I should keep the penciled-in date of December with my sis, and also work towards losing some weight to get on what's sure to be a really kick-ass ride (and hell, make the plane ride from CA to FL more endurable). Honestly I wanted to have a knee-jerk reaction to that thought but I couldn't think of a good enough reason to be so reactionary...
Well... looks like I probably won't fit on one of the rides.
Correction: I probably won't fit on the most super awesome ride of the whole place.
Ugh!!
Of course, having seen my eldest sister ejected from a ride at Disneyland for being too fat - this was when I was a teenager - I'm keenly aware of the size and weight limitations that can come with theme park rides. Honey Bunny and I went to Disneyland for part of our honeymoon and I spent the days leading up to our visit fretting away, wringing hands, rending garments and all. I remember being in queue for Space Mountain and telling Honey Bunny, "If I can't fit, I'll jump out and you should just go without me!" I didn't want him to miss the fun of a ride he'd never been on before, even if I was crying my eyes out in embarassment in the nearest bathroom. It didn't turn out that way, thankfully... I fit in all but one of the rides at both Disneyland and California Adventure. (It was the orange-themed wave swinger that seems to no longer exist at CA, in case you were wondering.)
Not fitting in the seats at Universal Orlando has definitely crossed my mind, but I still found the news about Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey's size limitations a bit shocking. More shocking still is some of the response from fans. Pott-heads are so desperate to get on this ride that they're willing to mount personal weight loss goals! Check out one Banks Lee.
I have to admit that when I started reading his blog I was fully against the notion of losing weight for the sole reason of fitting on a theme park ride. Where are all my brothers and sisters calling out the Universal sizeists here??
Banks Lee is an affable character, though, and quickly won me over. His motivation is pure and simple... and therein lies the (hor)crux of a big issue for me.
Motivation. It's something I can't easily identify and never think to use as a true aid for myself. I've talked previously about wanting (and needing) to lose weight (and having really conflicted feelings about it). I've tried to set a goal and stick to it, to no avail. Whatever temporary motivation I use to start working towards the goal eventually leaves me, and thus leaves me feeling purposeless. Needing to shift one's motivation over time to suit on-going and changing needs is natural, actually, but doesn't come naturally to me. I have to applaud Banks for setting a measurable and attainable goal of losing enough weight to get on the ride. He has a sense of purpose with a cool reward waiting for him at the finish line.
It had me wondering if I should keep the penciled-in date of December with my sis, and also work towards losing some weight to get on what's sure to be a really kick-ass ride (and hell, make the plane ride from CA to FL more endurable). Honestly I wanted to have a knee-jerk reaction to that thought but I couldn't think of a good enough reason to be so reactionary...
19 March 2010
Bitten
Apparently I've been bitten by the snowboarding bug. Or at the very least, the excitement bug. Last weekend I went to the snow, as promised, and took a snowboarding lesson for the first time. It was a panic-inducing and terrifying experience -- and that just accounts for the days, hours and minutes leading up to the lesson. The actual lesson was pretty darn groovy, even if it was in a near whiteout.
I had actually seen Therapist on the Monday prior to the trip and told her that I was surprisingly calm about the whole thing. Strangely, just telling her that started the issues ball rolling. Funny how that happens... I either go to therapy not wanting to talk about something but then I do and feel a million times better, OR I go in thinking I'm all good and come out of the session whipped into a froth.
On Wednesday of last week, I took a long lunch to go to my local ski shop to get fitted for rentals. They assured me that they had rental boots that would fit both my wide-ass feet and my wide-ass calves, and yet there the sales rep stood before me: flummoxed as all hell. "Huh. These usually fit our most unfittable clients," he said. I left in tears and called my bestie for a pep talk.
"Just do the lesson and if you hate it, then you go back to the lodge and relax. It doesn't mean you're a failure if you don't like skiing anymore. In fact, it's a victory if you just go and try it."
Good point.
And yet I found myself in quite the dither for the rest of the day, culminating in a long, unavoidable talk with Honey Bunny about the possibility of just forgetting about this whole skiing thing. It become clear through the meltdown and tears that, at least at this point, I have too much invested in trying skiing "again". Skiing was so much a part of my identity growing up, and I have always felt like it would be easy to pick back up again... that I should pick it back up again, because if I don't then what does that say about me? That I'm too fat to do it anymore? That I no longer care for something that I felt a passion for when I was a kid? And, worst of all... what if I'm no longer good at it? I decided at that moment that I was going to switch to snowboarding. Doing so meant that if it was a failure, there was little to nothing invested in it. I had an excuse for being slow at learning or entirely bad at it: I've never done it before.
The next day I contacted the resort and changed my private lesson to snowboarding, but not before I turned the receptionist into a 2nd therapist. I told her I was fat and not in the best of shape, and asked if I was crazy for trying snowboarding. She laughed and said, among many other things, "Just come prepared for it to be really hard because it's really hard for everyone in the beginning. And remember, it's always good to try new things, so this is a good thing you're doing."
I also went back to the ski shop and got fitted for the boots and board. To my surprise the boots were not abundantly more comfortable than ski boots, but they were definitely more forgiving. Hey, my toes did not fall asleep within 30 seconds! That is a snow sports miracle for wide-footed people everywhere.
This is a good time to mention that the weatherpeople were forcasting 80% chance of snow starting at, oh, 1pm on Friday. My lesson was scheduled for 2pm. This didn't make me unhappy or panicked (yet). It, in fact, relieved me by providing an extra excuse for possible failure at snowboarding.
Also a good time to mention that pretty much everyone I told about trying snowboarding would stop in their tracks, look me up and down, and say something like, ".....really? Cuz my sister's friend - she's 5'10", 105 lbs and a gym fanatic - tried snowboarding when she was 18 and had to be on heavy painkillers from the bruising and muscle aches for the following five days. Then she went back a week later and tried it again and broke both arms." Having spent six long weeks in external traction for a shattered wrist from trying to get back into my other childhood passion, rollerskating, I was a tad worried. Wrist guards, check.
We arrived at the resort at about noon on Friday. I started crying in the parking lot but quickly sucked it up. My nephew, who has been snowboarding since 2002, decided he was going to introduce me to boarding before my lesson. It was probably nerves more than anything but the 20-minute act of both him and I trying desperately to get me buckled into the bindings sent me back into orbit. My toes had long since fallen asleep, my feet in general were starting to ache, the snow was falling faster and faster, the wind picking up. I choked out, "I... need to go to the bathroom. See you after the lesson." More crying ensued. I went up to the cafeteria where I looked out the giant windows at the slopes. Watched my nephew meet up with Honey Bunny, watched as he told HB that I fled, HB briefly looking up at the cafeteria windows, then looking down in defeat, followed by a slow shrug, and then off they went to the lift together.
I felt so miserable in that moment. I felt so abandoned and pathetic. But at least I was sitting down, my feet slowly coming back to life. I watched thin people come in from skiing and boarding, smiles on their wind-chapped faces, sitting down exhausted from their day of riding. Why can't it ever be that easy for me?, I wondered. I'm just going to go down to the ticket office and cancel this fucking lesson.
But, the more I sat there, the more I regained my composure. I had to decide to let go of every single expectation I had. I had to decide not to hate everyone in the room for being seemingly better at this snow shit than me. Eventually, as I stared out of the window at the worsening weather conditions, I thought, Omigod, I'm on fucking Hoth. And I cracked up! I also formulated the best Facebook posting ever (IMHO) in my head, making myself laugh even more. I couldn't post it until I had signal but hey, my inside joke propelled me to a better mood and a can-do attitude.
At 1:50, I marched right out to the lesson meeting point and stood there, completely unafraid of What Happens Next. Awesome Rich, as I now call him, was my instructor. Like me, he is in his late 30's and married. Unlike me, he's competed in Super Pipe competitions with the likes of Shaun White. I love how he said, "I did all that shit and lived the life but now I'm here, and I love what I do. I would so much rather be teaching you how to snowboard than competing for a medal." There was absolutely no irony or sarcasm in his voice, trust me. I believe him because he's a great teacher who taught me to snowboard.
I snowboarded, people! At first with him holding my hand, helping me maintain low speed and control, but eventually on my own. With mascara running down my face (see also: The Makeup Queen, 100% Whored Up). With a snow outfit I thought was cute but really was kinda lame, oh well! Dude, I even wore goggles.
By the end of the lesson, I had only fallen twice and Awesome Rich told me he thought I did really well for a first-timer. He also said, "I'm pretty sure all the lifts are going to be iced over within a half hour, so I would recommend going inside at this point." Phew. Sipping a Vodka Tonic as I sat in the resort saloon waiting for my nephew and Honey Bunny to come in was a nice close to the day. It was also nice to stretch my calves and feet. Imagine trying to push a brick through solid ground using only your toes and some leverage provided by bended knees, and that's snowboarding on your toe edge. The heel edge is not as hard but is trickier and requires a finer sense of balance. Snowboarding is intensely physically demanding but is much, much easier technically than everyone said.
I wussed out a bit and didn't go back on Saturday like Rich had recommended. I loved it but I needed to completely come down from the high anxiety of the week leading up, and visit with family a bit (the actual reason we went to the snow, FYI). I did plan on going back on Sunday but HB came home on Saturday night looking as fried as I've ever seen him and said he couldn't possibly ski another day. Oh well, here's looking to next season.
Meanwhile I'd like to condition a bit and am thinking about purchasing a balance board (which is good for a lot of things, I hear). When I think back on what it was like to snowboard on my own, especially when I realized that Awesome Rich had let go of my hand and I was doing it on my own accord... it was amazing. I can see how people get hooked. Apparently I'm hooked.
Psst! I also found some wide boot and better clothing options that I'll be testing in the meantime. I'm having fun. Life is indeed good when you try new things.
I had actually seen Therapist on the Monday prior to the trip and told her that I was surprisingly calm about the whole thing. Strangely, just telling her that started the issues ball rolling. Funny how that happens... I either go to therapy not wanting to talk about something but then I do and feel a million times better, OR I go in thinking I'm all good and come out of the session whipped into a froth.
On Wednesday of last week, I took a long lunch to go to my local ski shop to get fitted for rentals. They assured me that they had rental boots that would fit both my wide-ass feet and my wide-ass calves, and yet there the sales rep stood before me: flummoxed as all hell. "Huh. These usually fit our most unfittable clients," he said. I left in tears and called my bestie for a pep talk.
"Just do the lesson and if you hate it, then you go back to the lodge and relax. It doesn't mean you're a failure if you don't like skiing anymore. In fact, it's a victory if you just go and try it."
Good point.
And yet I found myself in quite the dither for the rest of the day, culminating in a long, unavoidable talk with Honey Bunny about the possibility of just forgetting about this whole skiing thing. It become clear through the meltdown and tears that, at least at this point, I have too much invested in trying skiing "again". Skiing was so much a part of my identity growing up, and I have always felt like it would be easy to pick back up again... that I should pick it back up again, because if I don't then what does that say about me? That I'm too fat to do it anymore? That I no longer care for something that I felt a passion for when I was a kid? And, worst of all... what if I'm no longer good at it? I decided at that moment that I was going to switch to snowboarding. Doing so meant that if it was a failure, there was little to nothing invested in it. I had an excuse for being slow at learning or entirely bad at it: I've never done it before.
The next day I contacted the resort and changed my private lesson to snowboarding, but not before I turned the receptionist into a 2nd therapist. I told her I was fat and not in the best of shape, and asked if I was crazy for trying snowboarding. She laughed and said, among many other things, "Just come prepared for it to be really hard because it's really hard for everyone in the beginning. And remember, it's always good to try new things, so this is a good thing you're doing."
I also went back to the ski shop and got fitted for the boots and board. To my surprise the boots were not abundantly more comfortable than ski boots, but they were definitely more forgiving. Hey, my toes did not fall asleep within 30 seconds! That is a snow sports miracle for wide-footed people everywhere.
This is a good time to mention that the weatherpeople were forcasting 80% chance of snow starting at, oh, 1pm on Friday. My lesson was scheduled for 2pm. This didn't make me unhappy or panicked (yet). It, in fact, relieved me by providing an extra excuse for possible failure at snowboarding.
Also a good time to mention that pretty much everyone I told about trying snowboarding would stop in their tracks, look me up and down, and say something like, ".....really? Cuz my sister's friend - she's 5'10", 105 lbs and a gym fanatic - tried snowboarding when she was 18 and had to be on heavy painkillers from the bruising and muscle aches for the following five days. Then she went back a week later and tried it again and broke both arms." Having spent six long weeks in external traction for a shattered wrist from trying to get back into my other childhood passion, rollerskating, I was a tad worried. Wrist guards, check.
We arrived at the resort at about noon on Friday. I started crying in the parking lot but quickly sucked it up. My nephew, who has been snowboarding since 2002, decided he was going to introduce me to boarding before my lesson. It was probably nerves more than anything but the 20-minute act of both him and I trying desperately to get me buckled into the bindings sent me back into orbit. My toes had long since fallen asleep, my feet in general were starting to ache, the snow was falling faster and faster, the wind picking up. I choked out, "I... need to go to the bathroom. See you after the lesson." More crying ensued. I went up to the cafeteria where I looked out the giant windows at the slopes. Watched my nephew meet up with Honey Bunny, watched as he told HB that I fled, HB briefly looking up at the cafeteria windows, then looking down in defeat, followed by a slow shrug, and then off they went to the lift together.
I felt so miserable in that moment. I felt so abandoned and pathetic. But at least I was sitting down, my feet slowly coming back to life. I watched thin people come in from skiing and boarding, smiles on their wind-chapped faces, sitting down exhausted from their day of riding. Why can't it ever be that easy for me?, I wondered. I'm just going to go down to the ticket office and cancel this fucking lesson.
But, the more I sat there, the more I regained my composure. I had to decide to let go of every single expectation I had. I had to decide not to hate everyone in the room for being seemingly better at this snow shit than me. Eventually, as I stared out of the window at the worsening weather conditions, I thought, Omigod, I'm on fucking Hoth. And I cracked up! I also formulated the best Facebook posting ever (IMHO) in my head, making myself laugh even more. I couldn't post it until I had signal but hey, my inside joke propelled me to a better mood and a can-do attitude.
At 1:50, I marched right out to the lesson meeting point and stood there, completely unafraid of What Happens Next. Awesome Rich, as I now call him, was my instructor. Like me, he is in his late 30's and married. Unlike me, he's competed in Super Pipe competitions with the likes of Shaun White. I love how he said, "I did all that shit and lived the life but now I'm here, and I love what I do. I would so much rather be teaching you how to snowboard than competing for a medal." There was absolutely no irony or sarcasm in his voice, trust me. I believe him because he's a great teacher who taught me to snowboard.
I snowboarded, people! At first with him holding my hand, helping me maintain low speed and control, but eventually on my own. With mascara running down my face (see also: The Makeup Queen, 100% Whored Up). With a snow outfit I thought was cute but really was kinda lame, oh well! Dude, I even wore goggles.
By the end of the lesson, I had only fallen twice and Awesome Rich told me he thought I did really well for a first-timer. He also said, "I'm pretty sure all the lifts are going to be iced over within a half hour, so I would recommend going inside at this point." Phew. Sipping a Vodka Tonic as I sat in the resort saloon waiting for my nephew and Honey Bunny to come in was a nice close to the day. It was also nice to stretch my calves and feet. Imagine trying to push a brick through solid ground using only your toes and some leverage provided by bended knees, and that's snowboarding on your toe edge. The heel edge is not as hard but is trickier and requires a finer sense of balance. Snowboarding is intensely physically demanding but is much, much easier technically than everyone said.
I wussed out a bit and didn't go back on Saturday like Rich had recommended. I loved it but I needed to completely come down from the high anxiety of the week leading up, and visit with family a bit (the actual reason we went to the snow, FYI). I did plan on going back on Sunday but HB came home on Saturday night looking as fried as I've ever seen him and said he couldn't possibly ski another day. Oh well, here's looking to next season.
Meanwhile I'd like to condition a bit and am thinking about purchasing a balance board (which is good for a lot of things, I hear). When I think back on what it was like to snowboard on my own, especially when I realized that Awesome Rich had let go of my hand and I was doing it on my own accord... it was amazing. I can see how people get hooked. Apparently I'm hooked.
Psst! I also found some wide boot and better clothing options that I'll be testing in the meantime. I'm having fun. Life is indeed good when you try new things.
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